


Bittersweet Like Coffee

by minhos_diamond



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Aftercare, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, And Jisung is Jeongin's best bud, Angry Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bang Chan & Seo Changbin are Best Friends, Blow Jobs, Bottom Bang Chan, Dom Yang Jeongin | I.N, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Exhibitionism, Explicit Sexual Content, Fights, Financial Issues, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insomnia, Living Together, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Minor Lee Felix/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Producer Bang Chan, Rimming, Rough Sex, Strangers to Lovers, Submissive Bang Chan, Top Yang Jeongin | I.N, Virgin Bang Chan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:20:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 37,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28736385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minhos_diamond/pseuds/minhos_diamond
Summary: Chan suffers as a failing producer, shielding himself from his surroundings to hide his pain, but Jeongin wants to be his salvation, trying to show it with something just as bittersweet as his love.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Comments: 11
Kudos: 73
Collections: AGIBBANG FEST





	1. Just a Stranger

**Author's Note:**

> This is my work for the Agibbang fest which celebrates our baby bread becoming toast (I am kidding, he is a whole bakery now.) I had the pleasure to claim a prompt which has really grown on me, and now I am very excited to show you the result. 
> 
> PROMPT #0029: “Jeongin has never understood Chan. He loves him like no other and wants to be the elder’s salvation. But he does not know how.”  
> GENRE: Angst  
> WANTS: Self-harm, Insomnia, attempted hurt/comfort  
> DO NOT WANTS: Suicide attempt, MCD 
> 
> The explicit rating is due to the eventual, descriptive smut and NOT a potential description of Chan cutting himself. The topic self-harm is restricted to him talking about it and his scars/wounds being visible, which may be like 10 % of the actual story. These references are based on personal experiences, but they do not count in general of course. I also put trigger warnings in the notes, so you can look out for them as well.
> 
> With that being said I thank you a lot for being here, reading that bunch of me expressing my love for JeongChan and coffee (my two favourite things). Maybe you can grab some coffee or tea yourself, gehehe. Now have fun reading!

Being a barista was not Jeongin's first choice. He does not think that he is particularly good at handling customers yet he decided to take a job in a cafe. He still does not think it is the best job in the world, but he is sure this specific cafe is the best place in the world.

Whenever he has to wash and simonize the glasses he looks through the bright window which encloses the room. Busy people walking through the filled, colourful streets, maybe a bit stressed, while he himself is wrapped in the warmth of the lights, which shine down onto the guests. 

Round, wooden tables are set criss-crossed on the left and right of the bordeaux red carpet, which connects the counter straight with the entrance. The design of the shop overall is minimalistic, so it is easy to fill the room with happiness which is mainly shared through steaming cups of bittersweet coffee. 

The calm atmosphere is interrupted by the crashing sound of the door swinging open. Fresh breezes sweep inside, disturbing the warmth of the room until the newcomer finally shuts out the cold. The man pulls down his scarf, revealing his pale cheeks which are painted pink. He shakily exhales, ruffling through his soft, dark brown curls with one hand, the bag appearing big in his other one, but apparently he has no problem with transporting it to a table in the corner nearby the firing.

“I can do that,” Seungmin, Jeongin’s co-worker, offers pointing to the glass in Jeongin’s hand, “Your interactions with guests need to improve.”

Sighing, Jeongin puts down the glass he has been polishing. Seungmin is not that much older than him but has more experiences as a waiter. Therefore, Jeongin should use any opportunity to practice being … well, _friendly_. Doesn’t sound too difficult, does it?

But Jeongin always has the problem of appearing a bit cold, even borderline threatening as soon as he forgets to smile. Maybe it is his sharp eye form or his prominent cheekbones or _just his face,_ so he tries to maintain his smile, although it can be exhausting. (That is on him for choosing this job.)

He walks over to his guest and hands out the menu card. “Good afternoon, sir,” he greets.

The other smiles, revealing his dimples. “Hello. Uh, I don’t need a card. I’ll just drink coffee.”

Jeongin nods. “Do you want some sweets? We have delicious cake and cookies.” He seems a bit stiff but he tries to keep smiling.

“No, thanks. A cup of coffee will do.”

Jeongin may need some practice regarding his communication with his guests but he is exceptional at brewing coffee.

His hand movements are fluid and confident since he knows exactly how hot the water has to be and how he has to move his wrist to create perfect, circular motions, mixing the filtered ground coffee with the liquid. Satisfied with his work he sets the cup on the saucer and balances it over to the dark haired man. “Here we go,” he announces, placing the coffee cautiously in front of the guest.

The man is already busy, working on his laptop. However, he takes the time to smile once more, thanking Jeongin. After that Jeongin returns back to his other duties: cleaning the tables, sorting the crockery into the cabinets, printing out the bills and so on. It takes hours to finish his routine, so he blends out his surroundings to focus.

At the end of the day he realizes that the man he has brought a single cup of coffee to is still sitting silently at his table. He seems very concentrated and does not even notice that the other guests are leaving. It is not very pleasant but Jeongin has to walk over and tell him that the cafe is about to be closed.

The man gazes at his wristwatch. “Oh! It’s so late already!” He packs up and pays for his coffee. “I’m sorry that I didn’t pay attention to the time.”

Jeongin shakes his head. “It’s okay, don’t worry.”

With that the guest leaves.

That is not his last visit. Quite the contrary actually, since he keeps returning day by day. He always sits at the same table to work on his laptop, and he always orders a simple cup of coffee. Jeongin would not be bothered by that at all because it is great to have a frequent visitor.

Nevertheless, he does not miss the way this guest winces or even shakes a bit whenever he sips his coffee, needing hours to finish it. Firstly, Jeongin thinks that his coffee sucks and that the stranger is too nice to tell him that, so he lets Seungmin try one cup.

“It’s good, but I've already told you so.” And Seungmin is very parsimonious when it comes to compliments, so something different is the problem. As far as there is a problem at all. The stranger seems extremely nice. Still, there is something odd about him. He probably does not enjoy the bitter taste of coffee, so why does he keep ordering it?

One day Jeongin cannot deal with it longer. This procedure of the stranger ordering coffee every day and grimacing at its taste has been going on for _weeks_. Usually Jeongin would not dare to interrupt one of the guests’ work (especially this time, because the man has headphones on), but now he hardly cares about it. “Why don’t you try to order something different?” he suggests even before the man can ask for his usual, _stupid_ cup of coffee. 

Awkward silence.

“Sorry. I know that a cup of coffee is the cheapest,” Jeongin murmurs, scratching his head, “You know, we have a lot of offers for people with a sweet tooth as well.”

Surprisingly, a lovely smile spreads across the man’s face. “That’s so nice of you! But I’m happy with coffee.”

Jeongin lifts an eyebrow, his smile dropping. He does not mean to but it is hard to keep up his happy facade when he _knows_ that there is something wrong. “Is that so? To me it seems like you don’t like my coffee at all,” he admits. At this point he is practically accusing his guest, which is unacceptable, but he cannot help it. If this man visits this cafe basically every day he should either fucking enjoy or choke on this single cup of coffee — Jeongin does not care anymore.

Jeongin’s counterpart blushes, biting his lower lip. “Oh, uh … well … I guess your coffee is good, it’s just …”

Jeongin folds his arms. “Yeah?”

“Actually, I don’t like coffee that much. I only drink it to keep myself awake.”

Jeongin has already noticed the heavy eyebags, so this answer should not surprise him. Still, he wonders how draining this man's work has to be that he even drinks coffee despite not liking it. “You could try it with sugar instead of caffeine to keep your system flowing,” Jeongin says, “Eat cake.”

The man puts his hand onto the back of his neck. “To be honest, I’m a bit short on money.”

“My boss said that it’s on the house,” Jeongin replies.

Surprised, the other lifts his head. “What? Why?”

“Because you’re here every goddamn day.” Jeongin puts his hand over his mouth as he notices his bold choice of words.

Laughing is the response. “So, we’re on a familiar level now?”

“Pretty much everyone knows you here,” Jeongin confirms, still embarrassed, “So, what do you want, _sir_?”

The man gazes over at the menu card. “I’d like to have a piece of apple pie then.”

Jeongin notes down the order and is about to return to the counter, although a lot of questions remain in his head. 

“Bang Chan.”

He stops and looks over his shoulder.

“My name’s Bang Chan,” the guest says, grinning, “I thought that it’d be nice if you knew my name since we’re becoming familiar.”

Jeongin would like to tell Chan that he is becoming familiar with the cafe and not _Jeongin_ _himself_ but that would be, well, obviously rude. He figures that he should introduce himself as well, just to be polite. "Yang Jeongin." 

"Yeah ... I know," Chan says, giggling and pointing at the name tag which is attached to Jeongin's uniform.

Jeongin can feel his cheeks colouring, coughing awkwardly. "Right, uh ... I have to go back to work," he mumbles before hurrying to another table as if he wanted to flee.

* * *

Jeongin has a good life. He appreciates the control he has over it. Currently he is educated to become a nursery teacher since he has always wanted to work with children, and it is a job which can make him genuinely happy.

He is good on money with his work as a waiter and if it is needed his parents support him financially. His flat is a bit empty and there is an unused bedroom, so he considers looking for a roommate. Living alone is kind of nice but it would be probably even nicer to have somebody, because, after all, the space is there. But aside from that? No bigger worries.

Sure, his schedule can get tight but he tries to meet his friends at least once a month, although he sees Seungmin regularly at work already.

Aside from Seungmin, his small group of friends consists of Jisung, Hyunjin and Felix. He knows them from school and after graduation he has managed to stay in contact with them. They used to refer to themselves as the _Gossip Girls_ to make fun of the girls in their year, but now that they are by themselves and totally _mature_ and _grown up_ they do not need a name for their squad anymore — but frankly, they are still silly with each other, play games and have fun. 

Tonight Jeongin is responsible for closing the cafe since his co-workers have to leave early and his boss Jamie has an important meeting with the bankery. Nobody seems to mind that he has to take care of the cafe as the youngest because he is seen as considerate and dutiful. Besides, the salary is really good and he would never risk losing that by doing his work sloppily.

Of course Chan claims his beloved table, but this time he does not have headphones on. Instead, he is sitting leaned back, a leather book in his lap, tapping his pen against the soft edge of it — not randomly but with a precise rhythm. Is he writing lyrics for a song? Why should Jeongin be even interested in that? And why is it so hard to stop staring?

Chan seems so comfortable on the little, red sofa with his oversized, black hoodie (he even has sweater-paws), his black beanie and his black pants. Jeongin wonders whether he has other colours in his closet. There is a weird, familiar atmosphere lingering around Chan. The feeling of … home. As already mentioned, the cafe is minimalistic, so it depends on the guests how positive the atmosphere is, and Chan increases the level of happiness so easily, it drives Jeongin crazy.

Whenever Chan enters the room Jeongin feels his heartbeat drop. This kind of warmth and comfort which rises with Chan's arrival is like a slap into Jeongin's face every single time because it is so incredible to him how one single person can look, act and _be_ a safe place, although Jeongin has not properly talked to him yet. Everything Chan does is soft and careful — he would probably apologize to the table for bumping into it. 

Jeongin tries to ignore Chan but only because he is too embarrassed to admit that there is that urge to look at him _constantly_. He focuses on work as much as he can, brewing coffee, washing the dishes, brewing more coffee, cleaning the tables, brewing another pot of coffee just to drink it himself. 

In the late hours Felix shows up. He was on his way home from the dance studio but he really craved some coffee so he decided to stop by. Actually, he works part-time here as well because of his huge love for baking. He provides freshly baked cookies, brownies, cake, just all kinds of tasty sweets whenever he is here, but since he has been working on his career more his shift got cut. 

The cafe is nearly empty, and Felix sits at the counter talking to Jeongin. “Oh, there’s still a guest,” he notices, throwing a quick glance over his shoulder.

“His name’s Chan,” Jeongin tells, putting the cleaned mugs in the cupboard, “He’s here _every_ day.” 

“Really?” Felix nips his coffee, wiggling his eyebrows. “He’s kinda cute.” 

Jeongin frowns and throws the dishcloth over his shoulder (he can say with pride that he has gotten wider because of his workouts). “Well, ask him out if you think so,” he murmurs, sensing a weird tingle in his abdomen. 

“No, thanks. There’s a really cool guy at the dance studio anyway,” Felix says, sighing in a dreamy tone.

Jeongin mops the work surface but pays close attention to Felix nonetheless. “Is that so?” 

“Yeah! He’s a hip hop dancer and always wears caps, which make him super hot by the way. He had been on tour until last week, but I don’t have detailed information,” Felix chirps, rocking back and forth, excited, “So you can have this Chan guy.”

Jeongin rolls his eyes. “He doesn’t even like my coffee. How am I supposed to be with someone who doesn’t _worship_ my coffee?” With an exaggerated gesture he grabs his chest, pretending to be stabbed. 

“You’ve been hanging around Hyunjin too much.” 

Jeongin gives a dangerous smile. “Soon you have to deal with the double package of drama.” 

After Felix has left Jeongin tidies the storage and sorts the different boxes of drinks. He needs to refill the fridge behind the counter, so he takes two boxes and carries them through the corridor back into the cafe. No one is left in there except him. 

And of course Chan. 

Jeongin sighs heavily, shaking his head. He grabs two bottles of beer and walks to the corner, which is claimed more or less officially by Chan. (Jamie even joked about tagging the table with his name.)

Chan has been sitting here for more than four hours here yet he only drank one cup of cocoa (it is probably too embarrassing for him to order coffee). Without further ado, Jeongin drops on the opposite side of the table and sets down the two glass bottles, not caring about Chan’s surprised expression and then fumbling with his keys to catch the little bottle opener which is attached to the chain (a present from Jisung for his 20th birthday). Silently, he unsnaps the lids and places the mouth of one bottle against his thin lips. 

“I thought one isn't allowed to drink alcohol at work,” Chan says, planting his leather book on the tabletop.

“Well, it’s past my shift,” Jeongin responds and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. Then he supports his forearms on his parted legs.

Dumbfounded, Chan glances at his watch and groans. “Oh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t pay attention to the clock again.” Hastily he collects his utensils. It is funny that he did not notice anything because Jeongin has already dimmed the lights, mopped the floor and cleaned every table (except Chan's obviously), which signalizes that the shop is about to be closed.

Jeongin tries to stop him. “It’s fine, I have time.” 

Chan still seems extremely embarrassed. “Nah, I don’t want you to stay unnecessarily longer.”

Suspiciously Jeongin looks at the open notebook, the flying papers around them and finally at the screen where Chan obviously is stuck at a project. “You're in the mid of a project. Are you really ready to go _now_ ?”

“Sure, whenever you are.” Chan laughs, ashamed. 

Jeongin sighs. “Today I’m responsible for closing, so it doesn’t matter much how long we’ll be here.” (And yes, he is a bit cocky about having this much responsibility.) “Have a beer. It’s on my bill.” 

“Oh ….” Chan hesitates, but then grabs the bottle. “Thanks.” 

“I mean, you’re old enough, aren’t you?” Jeongin teases. 

“I’m 25!” Chan complains, nearly pouting. 

Honestly, to Jeongin he looks like maybe 22, at least with his bare face. He has seen Chan with some make-up the other days, but his current appearance? Rather soft, especially when his sweater paws cover his small hands. 

“So, should I keep calling you sir?” Jeongin asks a bit sarcastically.

Chan opens his mouth in surprise. “Oh, I thought we were on that hyung-dongsaeng-level already.” 

“How do you want to know who is the younger though?” 

“Well, I'm old as dust. No way that you can beat that.” 

That sincerely makes Jeongin chuckle. “Well, yeah. I’m 21.” He wants to bridge the awkward silence by taking another sip, thinking about what to say next. Then he sets down the bottle. “So, what are you working on?” He looks at Chan's notebook. 

“Oh, I was just adjusting some lyrics before working on some bars. I have a fundamental but it needs to be polished.” Chan pulls his laptop closer.

“You’re a producer,” Jeongin asserts.

Chan shrugs. “Well, not professionally or … no, I mean, I _am_ a licensed producer, but I’m also … jobless.” He laughs but Jeongin recognizes the tint of pain in his voice. “Went to a school, did my degree and now I’m trying to find a company.”

“Can I hear the track?” Jeongin questions more carefully, afraid that he has hit a sensitive topic. 

“Yeah, sure,” Chan answers, “It’s just not … well, really finished.” He plays the track and leans back, apparently a bit nervous as he keeps fumbling with the drawstrings of his hoodie. 

A deep bass echoes through the room, playing out in a crescendo and climbing the ladder of notes until the similar pattern spuds in again. There are soft ad-libs and Jeongin wonders whether that is Chan’s voice. The four quarter tact beat begins with subtle percussion in the background. The whole song’s tone is thoughtful, a bit dark and Jeongin senses how goosebumps crawl over his shoulders. 

“That sounds good. Unique.”

Chan smiles lightly. “Thank you.”

“Kind of crazy that companies don’t want to hire you. The quality sounds very high.” 

Chan lowers his head just simultaneously with his eyelids as if he remembered something unpleasant. “I think that companies do like my production but it’d be expensive to actually pay that kind of quality, you know? So they accept my free commissions for auditions and then …” He gulps. 

“They never call back,” Jeongin finishes the sentence. The warmth of this room has definitely toned down by now. 

“Sorry, I didn’t want to bother you with my problems,” Chan says sheepishly, “I think that I should go home.” He packs up. “Thank you.”

Jeongin leans back and rests on the palm of his hands. “That one beer isn’t a big deal.”

Chan smiles. “Yeah, that’s not what I’m thankful for.” He zips up his fluffy jacket and leaves after having placed some money on the table.

Jeongin looks at the tips Chan has left.

* * *

Chan does not return for several days, but Jeongin is not worried of course. He is just sceptical. Could it be that their late night talk is the reason why Chan is too scared to show up again? But why? They were really comfortable around each other (at least, that is what Jeongin wants to tell himself).

“Isn’t it weird that this one guy hasn’t come here for days?” Seungmin questions.

“What guy?” Jeongin knows that it is foolish to act like he did not know but it is like a reflex. 

“The one guest you always serve. What’s his name again?” 

“Chan,” Jeongin responds quietly. He does not want to talk about him, so he hurries to carry the order to the regarding table. 

A week passes.

Two weeks pass.

Three weeks pass.

Now it has been nearly a month since he has seen Chan the last time. Sometimes he catches himself thinking about Chan although he does not quite understand why. Specifically their short interaction while drinking beer is stuck in his head.

“You’re working late again,” Jamie says with her bag already packed because she needs to go sooner again to manage her paperwork. Usually she does that in her cafe office but she has forgotten one of her folders at home. “Is it really okay for you to close the shop again?” 

“Yeah, yeah. The kids have holidays, so I have plenty of time.”

“Great!” Jamie smiles brightly. “I hope that you can work more. The guests like you.” 

Jeongin can always use some extra cash, so he nods. He likes being here all alone late at night. The cafe closes around 10 pm, which is late in comparison to other shops, but the cozy atmosphere attracts some night-walkers, so it is surprisingly profitable to open the cafe for a bit longer. He expects to finish mopping the floor, tidying the counter and then closing the cafe but last minute somebody enters the shop. He already knows who is standing there before turning around. 

Chan looks like he has run a marathon, his cheeks red, his eyes wide and his hands shaking. His jacket is open, revealing a tight polo shirt beneath it, and it flutters around his torso as another wind gust busts into the room. “It’s too late, isn’t it?”

Jeongin finds the view so absurd. Chan has not been here for a whole month and then he chooses to come near closing time. Jeongin focuses on cleaning the timber floor board, humming as if he needed to think about that question first. “Well, the tables are cleaned, but I’m not finished with the counter. You can sit there.” Chan’s regular seat is pretty far away from the bar, he is aware of that, but perhaps Chan wants to stay desperately enough to accept his humble offer. 

Without saying anything, Chan brushes his jacket off his broad shoulders and follows the carpet to sit down on one of the high stools. He does not even take the menu card but sits there, patiently waiting for Jeongin to finish. Jeongin wrings the rag out one last time, carries the bucket of water behind the counter and disappears in the storage in order to get rid of it in one of the big sinks. He washes his hands and returns to the counter.

"So?" he asks, lifting an eyebrow.

“I need something to drink,” Chan states.

Jeongin furrows his brow, tying his apron tighter around his narrow waist. “What exactly?” 

“Anything.” 

Jeongin sighs and shrugs with his shoulders before getting to work. The stove is still heated, so he boils some water and grabs the ground irish coffee. On another ring he cooks milk and pours cocoa into the pot, ignoring Chan’s stares and gliding into a robotic mode where his practiced hand movements shine through. With a little mixer he whips the cold cream and then fills in the water from the kettle through the filter which is wrapped around the coffee pulver. He takes out a big mug, fills half of it with the coffee and the other half with hot chocolate. In another pot he has warmed up gold-brown caramel and uses it to refine the drink. In a final step he sprays up the whipped cream in accurate twirls before he sets the mug in front of Chan on the wooden surface.

Chan raises his eyebrows. “When I said that I needed something to drink I meant like … alcohol, you know?”

Jeongin smirks sourly. “Well, you could’ve just worded that more specifically.”

“I thought that it was obvious on my desperate face.”

Jeongin rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I see that _desperate_ face, and it tells me that you need something warm for your stomach.” He pushes the mug closer to Chan. “It's a cocoa-coffee-mix with caramel. You could use some caffeine but it’s like very sweet-tooth-friendly, I guess.” He chops some dark chocolate and decorates the cream with some sprinkles. (Guests love it when the icing on the cake is done right in front of them, and Jeongin quite enjoys it as well.) Then he picks up some mini marshmallows out of the glass, his long fingers easily reaching the bottom of it. Satisfied with his work, he pops the marshmallows into the snow white softness. “Enjoy, sir.” 

Chan’s pale fingers wrap around the ceramic and set it on his plush, pink mouth. He closes his eyes, basically inhaling the scent as he drinks carefully. His eyes begin to sparkle as the taste travels along his tongue, warming it. “That’s so _good_ ,” he rejoices and licks his bottom lip greadily. 

“Right? It’s one of our guests’ favourites. We call it “Fuzzy Cuddles” and I hate that name, but ... it fits,” Jeongin says, smiling at Chan’s excited expression. He taps his own mouth. “You got something there.” 

Embarrassed, Chan grabs a napkin and wipes away his little cream beard. “Okay, yeah, that’s way better than alcohol.”

Jeongin leans on the lower counter, looking up to him. “So, usually people want to drink their problems away if they look like you and ask for alcohol.”

“How do I look?”

Jeongin needs a few moments to find a fitting term. “Anxious. But also agitated. I don’t know.” He supports his chin on his hand. “I have no right to ask you but I wonder why you decided to stop coming here.”

A heavy sigh stumbles over Chan’s lips, which start to tremble. Maybe he is still cold. “Yeah, sorry. The last few weeks were stressful.”

“Work?”

“It’s always work, isn’t it?”

Jeongin lifts an eyebrow. “Well, that kind of tells me that you don’t look after your friendships, huh?” 

“I do have friends but they’re busy themselves. We understand our feelings in a very mutual way,” Chan explains. 

Jeongin waits for further tellings. 

“It’s just …” Chan falters. “You remember the one night where I showed you my music?” 

_Of course I do, idiot._ “It’s not _that_ present in my mind anymore,” Jeongin states a bit awkwardly.

Chan clears his throat. “Well, I told you that I wanted to get into a company. And I got an audition again.”

A bust of joy explodes in Jeongin’s chest and he does not understand why. “That sounds great!” 

Chan swallows heavily, picking one marshmallow up to nibble on it. “It sounded great until they demanded more commissions, so they could actually be sure whether to hire me.” He looks at the counter avoiding eye contact. “Since my last commission they’ve been ghosting me. The deadline was two weeks ago.”

“Seriously?” Baffled, Jeongin stares at him. “What a dick move.”

“That’s not the worst.” Chan seems to be torn apart whether he should tell about it but he has already started, so there is no reason to hold back if someone is here to listen. “They published my tracks on the Internet and one of them went viral. Of course without credits.”

“What?! Isn’t that like illegal?!” Jeongin asks, very angry.

“It’s just a dick move but not illegal. It was a commission of mine and I offered to do free work so they could evaluate it.”

“But they make money out of _your_ work! You should go to the police,” Jeongin exclaims in disbelief. 

Chan wrinkles his nose. “I want to but that would be such a long court process and I would lose anyway. Companies have power and money. I don’t.” He laughs bitterly. “I feel like someone who stands in front of a taco restaurant offering free mini tacos. The people grab the whole plate and never turn back to actually visit the shop.”

Jeongin cannot even express how disgusted he is. Yes, he does not know much about Chan but his love for music oozes out of every pore of his body, Jeongin can feel it. How can the world be so cruel to him? “Gosh, hyung, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. I thought that it could get worse,” Chan mumbles, “And then it got worse. I wasted my time too much on those free commissions.” He buries his face in his hands. “That was so stupid. Now I have bigger problems than my music career.”

Jeongin frowns and peers at him until he understands. “Wait, were you kicked out of your home?”

As if he were caught red-handed Chan pulls his head back and breathes aloud, his fingernails tracing along the mug. “I mean ... of course I was. I don’t have the money to pay for the rent.” 

A bit shocked Jeongin stares at him. “What about your parents?” 

“They haven’t been talking to me ever since I moved to Korea without telling them.” 

Jeongin needs a few seconds to sort his thoughts. “But where do you live now?” 

“At my best friend’s house. It’s just temporary. I hope that I can get some money with some gigs and that … I don’t know, maybe I can get another job.”

Jeongin thinks of the empty room in his own flat and has a hard time to resist asking Chan whether he wants it. He pities Chan and yes, he has no problems with talking to him and being around him, however, living together is a whole other level. Hell, he could not even live with half of his friends in one flat since he cannot endure noise 24/7.

But then he looks closely at Chan, who gazes out of the window, tapping his finger against the mug. A soft curl has fallen into his face, but he does not bother to brush it away. As Jeongin realizes that he would love to do that for him his heart stutters in confusion, his fingertips tingling weirdly and his face becoming red. Before he can stop himself he hears himself saying: “I have a free room.”

Surprised, Chan turns his head around. 

Jeongin blushes but maintains eye contact. “Uh, I’ve been looking for a roommate for a while.”

“Oh,” Chan mumbles, “Well, I don’t have the money, as I already said.”

“I mean, I’m able to pay this room nonetheless or I wouldn’t have this flat in the first place,” Jeongin explains, “You can live with me until you find a job and then pay everything in small ratios. No interest rates.”

Chan sucks on his puffy, cherry blossom pink bottom lip and Jeongin catches himself staring at it. “I don’t know what to say. That’s very ... generous of you.”

It is, and Jeongin cannot understand himself. But he still hopes that Chan would say yes.

Nearly mortified Chan withdraws and lowers his head, shifting on his seat. “Uhm ...”

“It’s like … easy. No problem for me at all and-”

“No, no! It’s fine. I’m going to figure this out,” Chan objects, looking at his watch, his eyes empty, “It’s late, I should go back.”

A bit disappointed, Jeongin nods. What else did he expect? Chan is just a stranger after all. A stranger with mellow curls, cute dimples and the most beautiful smile ever, but still a stranger. 

Chan fumbles out his wallet, but Jeongin shakes his head. “It’s okay. You gave too much the last time anyway.”

Ashamed, Chan puts on his jacket and brushes a lock behind his ear. He does it so tenderly that Jeongin feels the urge to hug him. But he lets him go, watching the darkness clasping around Chan when he leaves the cafe.


	2. Risks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
> \- small hint on self harm

Chan does not show up at the cafe for weeks _again,_ but who is Jeongin to blame him for that? He is the one who was stupid enough to offer a room in his flat, which, sure, is not creepy _at all_.

Chan probably stays at his best friend’s home all the time, and Jeongin cannot help but to be a bit jealous — not of the friend themself but of not being a part of Chan’s life. It is as if he were missing out the whole time, which does not make any sense whatsoever because he never had Chan in the first place. The days become colder, so the cafe is almost always full of people who crave for a mug of comfort and warmth, so it is a bit easier for Jeongin to distract himself.

Jeongin arrives punctually at work, shaking as he enters the room because he is shock freezed. Surprised, he discovers the small group of his co-workers plus his boss gathering around a … wooden box? He approaches them and identifies the "box" as a piano. It seems old yet noble with the ornaments which are engraved on the surface, candle holders left and right creating something mysterious about it.

“Jeongin! Good to see you,” Jamie greets him, “Look!"

“Where is that from?” Jeongin asks, curious.

“It’s a heritage of my grandmother,” Jamie replies, smiling a bit sadly. 

Jeongin gulps. “Oh, I’m so sorry." He inspects the instrument again. "Do you want me to clean it?” 

Jamie starts smiling broadly. “Oh yeah! That'd be great. I think it really fits with the ambience of our cafe!” It is endearing how she does not say “mine” but “our” — it fills Jeongin with pure joy. Jamie can be a snappy boss and is not afraid to tell her honest opinion for sure, but when it comes down to it she is incredibly sweet and acts like a big sister to everyone. 

Jeongin dusts the instrument carefully, revealing the smooth mahogany wood. Then he polishes the candle holders until they shine under the lights of the cafe. After a while of cleaning he leans back on the chair and traces his fingers along the keys, which seem a bit rustical since they are not perfectly white (anymore) but it makes them more welcoming and charming.

“That looks great!” Jamie claps enthusiastically. “A piano tuner is going to come later.” 

With that Jeongin can return to another day of work. As usual the cafe is full but he does not mind. It is good to stay on his feet because it makes him feel more valuable during his working hours. 

Another week passes and Jeongin decides that he has to get out more again with his friends. Therefore, he meets them at the weekend to go shopping a bit, although he does not need anything. But it is calming to stroll through the streets, glimpsing through some showcases and talking to his friends. Yeah, right. He does not need Chan, who is just a random stranger Jeongin offered to live with him, because he has people he loves and cares about already. 

Jeongin shakes his head, annoyed at himself for thinking about Chan all the time, and turns around to at least seem like he was interested in the conversation. 

“I swear, he's the best dancer I've ever seen!” Felix rambles.

“I'm surprised that you can even focus on his dancing when you talk about his eyes and oh-so-sweet lips all the time” Jisung comments, dodging Felix’s punch, “You should really ask him out.”

Felix starts whining and clings onto Hyunjin’s arm. Hyunjin does not seem to mind too much, although he is always more fond of skinship whenever he himself initiates it. 

“Nooo, why would he accept?”

Jeongin rolls his eyes and sighs. “Yeah, right. Who would want to date a gorgeous, pretty boy who is athletic, enthusiastic, can bake _and_ is interested in the same topics? Absolutely disgusting.”

Jisung snorts with laughter and gives him a high-five. Felix pouts but has to grin as well, probably gotten an ego-boost from Jeongin's comment, so why would he complain? “Is Seungmin still working?” he asks.

“I guess. We can stop by,” Jeongin suggests, looking at his phone to check the time. He always has one Saturday per month off, but usually he still comes over for at least a few minutes because this cafe has become more than just a working place, and it can be pretty lonely at home. 

Just a few blocks further they already reach the cafe. There are many guests but it is not totally overcrowded. After entering the room Jeongin freezes. Although there are many people it is fairly quiet in here. Some guests are talking of course, but he has never experienced such tranquility during the busy hours. Instead of chattering, soft and tender notes waft in the air. It is a simple yet delicate melody, supported by occasional chords. Then the intro is finished and the keys begin to sing their story, telling it imposingly but with a sheer elegance. 

Jeongin stands still as he watches pale fingers gliding over the pattern of black-white. They move effortlessly and as a unit yet they manage to produce fast, flying sequences of notes. With his eyes closed Chan sits at the piano basically caressing it. The way he sways his upper body with the rhythm is enchanting, making Jeongin forget how breathing works. 

As soon as Chan is finished he levitates his hands and exhales before opening his eyes. The gentle clapping of the other guests finally pulls Jeongin out of his thoughts. He cannot help but to hurry over to Chan, leaving his friends confused. “Chan.”

Chan raises his head and blushes before standing up awkwardly. “Oh, hi.” Nervously he fumbles with the drawstrings of his oversized hoodie. “Uhm, yeah, nice piano! I rarely see this type.” He has been avoiding this cafe for weeks _again_ and then out of the sudden he shows up again, right when Jeongin is not even here. Is he serious?

Jeongin knows that Chan cannot be aware of his schedule. Nonetheless, frustration bubbles in his stomach and he presses his lips down to a thin line. “Where have you been?” he asks quietly. Is he being too dramatic? But at the same time he cannot ignore his crumbling heart.

This is the first time they stand directly in front of each other, just a few inches apart. Jeongin notices that Chan is actually a whole bit shorter than him. He looks just perfect for hugging, but that is probably not the thought he should be having right now. 

“I've been working on some music and … yeah, looking for jobs … and stuff …” Chan's voice falters more with every word. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, in fact looking guilty.

“So why are you here again?” Jeongin asks, suspicious. 

“My friend asked to go grab some coffee,” Chan explains, pointing over to a table. 

A relatively short guy with buff arms and raven dark hair is sitting there, talking over the phone with somebody. However, he waves over to them as he catches eye contact with Chan. 

“Great,” Jeongin says, the subtle undertone of his voice not really refined. He genuinely has no clue about what he is doing when he just leans forward to whisper, “So you did not even think once to come back to see me?” He lifts an eyebrow. 

Chan’s face becomes red but he does not squint. “I did. Lots of times, actually.”

The tension breaks when Jeongin’s friends draw attention to themselves. 

“Who’s that, Jeongin?” Jisung asks.

Jeongin sighs, his heart beating faster again. “That's Bang Chan. He’s a …” He pauses. “A frequenter. More or less. He drinks my coffee, although he doesn’t like it.”

“Wow, you guys seem to bond in a very special way,” Jisung laughs.

Hyunjin lifts his hand to wave and then halts. “Wait a sec. I know you.” 

“Huh?” both Jeongin and Chan say.

Hyunjin squeezes his eyes and then snaps. “Felix! That’s the guy who accompanied your crush to the dance studio one time.”

Hastily Felix drapes a hand over Hyunjin’s mouth. 

Chan frowns before he gasps in realization. “You’re talking about Minho?” 

Hyunjin nods. “I don’t think you saw us, though.”

“Well, that’s a funny coincidence,” Chan chuckles and looks at Felix, “Don’t worry. Minho thinks you’re cute too.”

Felix is probably about to vanish in embarrassment and simply squeaks. In the meantime Jeongin does not understand _anything_ . How big is the probability that their circles of friends are actually linked to each other? After weeks, no _months_ of pining after Chan he finds out — it feels like betrayal at this point. 

“So, I have to go over to my friend,” Chan excuses himself but only looks at Jeongin, “I’m going to be here more often again, promised.” 

Jeongin gazes after him and one more time he sighs. 

“Damn, he’s hella handsome,” Hyunjin whistles. 

Jeongin clicks his tongue, not even bothering to comment on the statement, and walks over to the counter where Seungmin sorts the different bills in stacks. He is always very cautious about the paperwork, which in turn is highly welcomed by Jamie because she does not need to do as much work at home.

“How long has he been here?”

Seungmin does not even interrupt his activity. “Nice to see you too, Innie.”

Jeongin waits for an answer. Seungmin staples the bills together and then puts them away. “For maybe an hour,” he answers finally, “He asked to play the piano to try out some of his stuff.” 

Jeongin glances over to Chan and his friend while they are hovering over papers, pointing at Chan's laptop. Maybe they even work together for his music? 

“However, Jamie practically swooned over his compositions, so she asked whether he wanted to play more often here on the weekends in exchange for a bit of pocket money and free hot drinks.” 

_So that’s what he meant by 'promised'._ Jeongin cannot believe that Chan appears again, basically out of _nowhere_. Chan is basically like a cloud. You can try to keep him with you but he is easily bloated away. Maybe he will return, maybe not, and now he may be stuck at a bigger mountain. Still, that does not guarantee anything.

The rest of the group joins them and orders some hot chocolate. Jeongin can feel a burning sensation in his back but he is sure that he only wishes that Chan keeps looking at him.

* * *

Aside from playing little gigs at the cafe Chan is also midweek here again. Sometimes with, sometimes without his friend. He keeps working on his music vigorously, probably fueled by the pressure of having to pay his bills, so Jeongin avoids disturbing him. He throws in a greeting or a question which is mostly “Do you want another drink?”, but aside from that he follows his usual working routine.

The lack of interaction does not stop him from observing Chan, sometimes extremely bold because he basically drills his eyes into Chan. If it bothered Chan, he would say something, right? But Chan just blushes and returns back to his work even more focused — so Jeongin obviously does an awesome job because he only sparks Chan's productivity.

Jamie is in love with Chan and always tells him that his compositions are beautiful and unique, obvious that she is grateful for his work. The last thing she would have wanted to do is abandon this piano because nobody played it anymore, and her enthusiasm comes in handy. Jeongin can make Chan as many “Fuzzy Cuddles” without feeling guilty since his boss practically demands to shower this man with love and more love. However, he cannot resist adding sweets like cookies or creamy pieces of cake which he always pays for. Whenever Chan asks about them he simply says, “That’s on the house too. Don’t worry.” 

This time Jeongin decides to do something different. Of course he needs to add caffeine again because Chan’s eye bags have become heavier. (Besides, Seungmin is the expert of exceptional teas and fruity gloggs, so Jeongin does not even dare to try something different than coffee.) Every time he looks at Chan all puffy in his big hoodies and jackets he has to smile like a complete idiot, and when he thinks of "puffy" he thinks of Dalgona Coffee.

He whips the coffee with sugar and hot water until the result is creamy and soft just as it should be. Then he gets a bulgy but relatively high glass and scoops some vanilla ice cream into it before drawing strings of melted chocolate through it and then adding some milk. Instead of just stacking the beige cream on top of the drink he sprays it up. They have sustainable icing bags and he never misses an opportunity to use them to make the drink look more neat and inviting. Especially when he has time (for Chan he always does). In a concentrated, smooth motion he curls up the cream, looking at it critically before decorating it with a long shaped cookie.

“I see, it’s your specialty again,” Seungmin says, “For Chan?”

Jeongin nods.

“You’re just as whipped as the cream. This coffee contains more love than my parents have for me.”

Jeongin sucks in his breath putting a straw into the glass. “Ouch.”

Seungmin chuckles. “Now go over to your loverboy.” A sharp gaze strikes him but he ignores it.

A bit jittery, Jeongin walks over. He has no idea whether Chan would even like that drink. He simply assumes what might be his taste. One more time he breathes aloud and then sets down the plate on Chan's table. Chan looks up, curious, before he gasps. “Oh, what is this?”

“Dalgona coffee. You should know.” After all, it has been a trend in Korea for a while, but maybe it is a bit geeky of Jeongin to expect that everyone is updated around the topic coffee. 

“I’ve seen it, but it didn’t look like this in pictures.” 

“It’s my own interpretation,” Jeongin explains, “For people who don’t like the taste of coffee that much.” 

Chan pouts. “It’s growing on me, though!” he reassures, taking the glass, only to inspect the neat arrangement in layers, showing doubt in his eyes about destroying this little piece of art. “I love vanilla.”

“Yeah, you just look like that.”

Chan frowns. “Pardon?”

“You know. Soft and all.” Jeongin grins, only one corner of his mouth lifting up.

Chan coughs. “Ah ugh, yeah. I guess.” He hides his face behind one of his hands. 

“You just don’t like to go rough, huh?”

Chan’s eyes grow wide.

“With the taste, I mean,” Jeongin explains, “You don’t like that bitter flavour.”

Chan winces, waving with his free hand. “Right! Yeah, right … I like sweets and all that.” He laughs nervously, scratching the glass. Cautiously he tries a sip and spoons the whipped coffee with some ice cream, almost mewling when his tongue hits the creamy texture and _fuck_ , it is the most adorable thing ever to see him always going _hmmm_ and _ohhhh_ _._

“Is it good?”

“It’s the best!” Chan says in excitement, stirring the cream into the milk. “Your drinks always look so good. They could work as aesthetics on Instagram or something like this.”

“We do have an Instagram.” Since it is not really busy here anymore Jeongin sits down with a polite distance to Chan. He takes out his phone and shows the page. 

“No wonder that this cafe is so popular,” Chan states, “These pictures look really professional.”

“Seungmin does photography in his free time. He has an eye for that kinda stuff.” Jeongin puts his phone away. “So, how is work going?” 

Chan smiles. “Well, how should it be going? Music is wonderful.” He taps onto his laptop and plays the bars he already has. “It needs some work but I think that it would be good to sell. It’s more like ... commercial music.” 

“Not your style,” Jeongin claims.

Chan looks at him surprised. “I’m kinda glad that you see it like this.” He chuckles. “Sometimes you gotta do things like that to keep your life running. Being in a creative industry isn’t always fun.” Jeongin did not assume that in the first place but he does not comment on it. 

As Chan reaches forward to stop the track he exposes his skin. Thin, red lines loop around his pale forearm. One second later they are covered by his baggy, dark sleeve again. “I cannot wait to play piano this weekend,” he says, smiling. Why does he always smile? Is he trying to hide something? Or is he really _that_ cheerful?

Jeongin does not understand his behaviour at all, but that is exactly what makes him want to strive for more. Chan is made out of so many layers and he longs to pull them down (emotionally and frankly also literally). A bit bluntly his eyes travel along Chan’s body just because he knows that it flusters Chan. Besides, he genuinely wonders what is beneath that hoodie. Chan seems fairly athletic from what he has seen but it is still hard to judge.

“Well, I have to clean the tables,” he announces and stands up, “Enjoy your coffee, sir.” 

The days stay silent and calm. Jeongin continues his daily routine but he always craves for something more yet he is not sure about what exactly that something is. Sometimes he lays in his bed, wide awake and pondering over his current life. He should be happy. He has everything he wants — at least he thinks so. But why the hell is there a hole inside of him? Often he rolls onto his stomach before burying his face into the pillow, hoping that this would somehow choke his irrational thoughts. 

There is no need in trying to understand someone who should not interest him in the first place.

* * *

Tonight it is raining. It is the perfect weather to set up some candles in the cafe. Jeongin is happy to light them up and place them carefully into round, small glasses, sighing when their light reflects in the floor-to-ceiling window. Every waiter and waitress decorates the room with love and care to invite people who have not made it to their home at time, and Jeongin loves to see it.

Chan has been sitting in his favourite corner to work on some lyrics, but Jeongin can see him zoning out from time to time. It is oddly pleasing to look at Chan while he is staring outside, sucking on his bottom lip and frowning, thinking, twisting, trying so hard to shape his thoughts and emotions into lines for his music. Everything he does is sweet, endearing, stunning, absolutely gorgeous and breathtaking and God, Jeongin finds him so _unfair_ for doing nothing yet being able to charm him. 

“Jeongin? Jeongin?” 

Jeongin twitches and looks at his co-worker Lia. “I said that someone would like to have a Latte Macchiato.” 

“Oh, yeah, sorry.” A bit embarrassed, he tries to focus on work again but his eyes are basically dragged towards Chan. 

After a while Chan sets down his notebook and walks to the front so he can sit down at the piano. The instrument is placed diagonally to the counter, so Jeongin can observe him from closer. Chan has some sheets of papers with him and spreads them on the holder. He lets his knuckles crack and then touches the keys with his fingertips before filling the cafe with soothing music.

Jeongin smiles, mopping the floor behind the counter and attentively listening to the music. Later some guests order at the counter to take their drinks with them but it is relatively calm at this time, and most of the co-workers have already left. 

“Jeongin?” 

He perks up his head and looks at his boss. 

“I’ll leave you the keys again, alright? Then I can do the paperwork at home.”

“Sure thing.” He grabs the keys and puts them into his pocket. It has become normal that he is responsible for closing whenever he has the time. Weekends are the best opportunities, and he also stays whenever Chan is here too (what a _funny_ coincidence). 

The music fills the silence of the next hour and soon it is nearly closing time. Chan stands up and walks over to the counter. “Can I have something to drink?” 

“Sure. With caffeine?”

“Yeah, I need to finish some work at home.” 

Jeongin looks outside. “Do you have a car?” 

Chan quietly laughs. “I was thrown out of my flat. How am I supposed to financiate a car?” 

Fair enough. “Well, it’s still raining, I have to clean up and it’s warm in here. We have wifi too,” Jeongin says, “You can stay and finish your work.” In the meantime he is brewing coffee, throwing some occasional glances at Chan. 

“Uhm, if you don’t mind.”

“I really don't. I just hope that you don’t wake up your friend later.”

“That’s fine. It’s hard to wake Changbin up.” So Changbin is his friend's name. 

This time Jeongin opts for cappuccino. All time guests' favourite — elegant, simple and a pure classic. He knows that espresso is strong but the amount of milk balances it out easily. The process of making cappucino is rather simple compared to other coffee variations this cafe offers. Still, Jeongin does the steps with caution and patience. All his time belongs to Chan now. 

He puts the cup onto the bottom plate and then sets it in front of Chan. With a charming smile he looks up to him, waiting for a reaction, the mix of milk froth and cream forming a puffy heart into the espresso. Creating samples with milk is also something Jeongin likes to do a lot. Just everything around coffee has become somewhat enjoyable. It took him a whole while to manage these skills but it is worth it. 

Jeongin sprinkles some cinnamon on top of the heart and then supports his forearms on the lower counter. “Enjoy, sir.” 

Chan blushes hard, just staring at Jeongin. 

“What?”

Chan gulps. “I … Sorry for being so weird. I really make things complicated.”

 _What?_ Jeongin has been the one who asked to live together, so _he_ is the creep who makes things more complicated, although he could have such an easy life. 

“It’s just so hard to be a burden all the time. I’m a burden to my best friend and now you’re affected too, although we barely know each other.”

Jeongin frowns. “Look, it was just an offer, alright? No need to get upset about it. I get it. I wouldn’t accept it either if I was in your shoes.”

Chan gives a small nod and starts drinking the cappucino.

“Sugar?” Jeongin asks.

“Hmh, yes, please.”

Jeongin shoves a little jar over the counter. “I'm also sure that your best friend doesn’t see you as a burden," he continues, "he's your best friend after all."

Chan sighs. “Yeah, no … I don’t know. It has been weeks and I’m still not able to earn enough money. I need to work harder.”

“At some point you’ll collapse,” Jeongin objects sharply, “hustling and wanting isn't the problem. It isn't your fault, okay? And just because things don’t work out now doesn’t mean that you’re a failure.” His tone has gotten a bit softer until the end of his sentence.

Chan’s eyes travel around nervously. “What you say makes sense but also not. Have you ever been in such a situation? Almost landing on the streets, living off nothing but music?” Chan shuts his eyes and breathes hastily. “I love music, but it doesn’t love me back." At the end his voice almost breaks and he turns away.

Jeongin is a bit shocked at the outburst because he did not expect that Chan would openly admit his feelings, but he can immediately see the sheer regret in Chan’s eyes. “Music doesn’t have any feelings,” he hears himself saying, “It can’t love you but it can’t hate you either. You’re the one who makes it special. You’re not dependent on its opinion because it’s you who does all the work. Work which is really, really good and special.”

Chan wipes away his tears, gazing at him with sad eyes — it rips Jeongin’s heart apart. “I feel like hugging you,” Jeongin says suddenly, “can I?”

“What?” Chan blinks, confused.

“Is it okay if I hug you?” Jeongin asks once again carefully.

Chan appears as reluctant for a split second but then he nods. With shaky knees Jeongin goes around the counter and puts his hand gently onto Chan’s shoulder. They look at each other for a few moments before Jeongin pulls him into a hug, feeling how strong arms loop around him. Cautiously he wraps his own arms around Chan’s head to nuzzle it against himself in a protective manner. 

A little cry shears the air but Jeongin does not pull away. Instead he puts his chin onto Chan’s shoulder and holds him, massaging his scalp. Frankly, he is not a fan of skinship, but with Chan it is a bit different. It feels so right and good to hold him, and he cannot imagine letting him go ever again. Not seeing him for several weeks again would crush his soul.

“Sorry, your shirt got wet,” Chan apologizes, sniffling. He glances up, tears still running down his cheeks. 

Jeongin does not know what is wrong with him but he leans forward and kisses them away flimsily. It comes so natural, and although the taste of salt is unpleasant on his tongue, the feeling of Chan’s soft skin leaves a tingle in his mouth. Astonished, Chan parts his lips, his cheeks turning to the colour of a seasoned tomato. “I-I … Oh gosh.” He pushes Jeongin back and then turns away.

Jeongin feels how his stomach churns. Suddenly he wishes that he could turn back time. “I'm so sorry,” he says, reaching forward.

Chan jerks and looks at him still in shock. “I … no, my mistake. I keep messing up. It’s … shit, fuck, I should be the one apolog-” He stops as Jeongin holds his delicate face in his big hands. 

“No, don’t apologize,” Jeongin utters, staring intensely at him, “just say whether you mind.”

Hesitantly Chan shakes his head, grabbing Jeongin’s wrist but only to stabilize the hold. His eyelids flutter and his breathing fastens. “So, am I reading this right?” he murmurs. 

“I guess, yeah,” Jeongin breathes. 

They stay in this position until the ringing of a phone interrupts them. Chan closes his eyes, reaching into his pocket to fish out the calling device. “Binnie? Yeah, sorry. Got caught up in work. I’ll be back soon.” 

Jeongin backs off and returns silently to his work. In the meantime Chan packs up everything. “See you soon,” he mutters and leaves, ashamed. 

“I hope so,” Jeongin whispers after the door has fallen shut. 

* * *

Jeongin has never been seriously in love. Sure, he had some crushes here and there and a relationship which he does not like thinking about. That stupid tingling sensation and the urge to fade into embarrassment, him being only and always nervous, mumbling weird things, nearly tripping whenever he walks past his crush was always so annoying to him. Yeah. Crushes are embarrassing.

So being in love is something different, but how? He still has no answer for that but he is sure that one indicator is wishing to spend endless time with the other person. Crushes make him nervous. Chan makes him comfortable. He sighs heavily, putting an arm over his eyes. 

“You’ve been sighing the whole time,” Jisung says, spinning on his chair before stopping abruptly, “Now tell me.”

Jeongin really is not good at portraying his emotions. Why else would he make Chan loads of coffee without telling him what he actually feels? The thought alone makes him grimace, not believing how much he sucks at showing affection. Slowly he sits up and leans against the headboard. Being with Jisung is also comforting. Although his best friend is incredibly silly and loud, he is also the best listener. Many people only stay to have a good laugh with him, but Jeongin stays for so much more, and in those calm moments Jisung is the anchor he needs. 

“You know,” Jeongin murmurs, “There’s this person.” 

Jisung raises an eyebrow, but does not say anything. Usually he is able to throw in witty comments everywhere, however, he notices that this situation is a lot different because Jeongin never starts just talking like _that_. 

“And I’m trying to get into their mind, but … there’s so much going on. I want to help but I’m too stupid.”

“Hey, don’t say that!” Jisung stands up and throws himself onto Jeongin to cuddle him. “You’re the bestest friend I could ever wish for.”

“Yeah, being friends is different.”

Silence spreads across the room. 

“Oh.” Jisung scoots back and looks at him. “Oh my God, Innie, are you in love?” A bright smile appears on his face.

Jeongin huffs, turning his head away and maybe getting a bit red. “I … perhaps? I really don’t know. Last week we nearly kissed and I-”

Jisung nearly screams and begins shaking Jeongin. “Why didn’t you tell me?!” 

Jeongin grabs his hands to push them away. “Because I don’t understand this! It makes no sense.”

Still, with a happy expression Jisung folds his hands in front of his mouth, suppressing giggles. “First of all: Who is it? I _need_ that information before we can take care of your little crisis.”

On the one side Jeongin really does not want to discuss this issue, on the other side he has already started that conversation, so backing out would be cowardly. “It’s that guy who played piano the other day.”

“I KNEW IT!” Jisung yells, bouncing on the bed as if he won the lottery, “He’s so hot! Finally your taste hits.”

Jeongin peers him, grunting. “What do you mean by that?”

Nervously Jisung waves, avoiding Jeongin's piercing gaze. “Forget it. Let’s talk about the main issue.”

“It's not that big of an issue,” Jeongin murmurs, “I just fucked up.”

“You don’t know that yet. Maybe he’s shy.” 

Chan is indeed shy but he is also _disgustingly_ nice, therefore, it is hard to tell whether he wants to stay polite and cannot actually reject someone or if he is genuinely interested. Jeongin’s brain is not able to differentiate the various signs he sends. 

“You’re zoning out,” Jisung chuckles, “It’s really bad, isn't it?”

It is _so_ bad. 

* * *

The next week until Friday Chan does not show up at all and it hurts incredibly. Jeongin cannot stop thinking about him and catches himself craving for his presence. The corner where Chan usually sits appears as cold and empty. Every time when there is less business Jeongin simply sits there, staring out of the window and waiting for Chan to return. It has never been this horrible. These few days feel worse than that month when Chan did not visit the cafe once. 

Seungmin notices that Jeongin is less concentrated, especially when he spills the coffee over the counter.

“Shit!” Jeongin curses, grabbing a cloth to mop the puddle immediately. 

“That’s never happened to you,” Seungmin comments. 

“Sorry.” Jeongin pours the rest of the coffee into the mug. Luckily it is still enough, so he can add the whipped cream. With a cramped look on his face he tries to twirl it nicely but it looks out of place. “ _Fuck_. I’ll do it again.” 

Seungmin stops him. “Wait, let me do it.” He smiles. “How about you make some tea?” 

Surprised, Jeongin looks at him. “Why?”

“Sometimes taking risks is good, you know?” 

The weekend begins and finally, _finally_ Chan returns. He is all silent, just bowing to the waiters and waitresses before sitting down in his corner. He takes out his laptop and puts his headphones on, so Jeongin does not disturb him.

Now it is official that Jeongin is responsible for closing the cafe on weekends, and he also has decided to relinquish his free Saturday per month (not only because Chan is here, but also to earn more money — his washer is broken). So he has all the time in the world to just observe Chan, completely fine with looking at him only.

Chan starts playing piano earlier this time. He plays something more cheerful, energetic and continues later on with slow, thoughtful songs. He is totally focused on his playing, just as Jeongin is focused on serving his guests. Half an hour before closing time Chan finishes and stands up, goes over to his table and starts working on his laptop again.

Jeongin observes him for a while thinking about what kind of coffee he should serve him tonight — maybe a mild sorry for what he has done. He ties the apron tighter around his waist and starts brewing coffee. There is hot chocolate left, so he mixes both (with a bigger percentage of cocoa of course), and then he picks up a piping bag and sputters some clotted cream on top of that. Finally he decorates the drink with some brittles and puts a spoon into the drink.

They are all alone here now, so Jeongin feels brave enough to approach Chan. If he is going to embarrass himself, at least there is no audience. He sets the plate onto the table and looks at Chan.

Chan pulls down his headphones and raises his head. “Hey,” he greets softly. 

“Hey.” Jeongin swallows. “How is work going?” 

“Fine, as always." Chan gifts him with a tired but sweet smile. "Don’t you want to sit with me?”

Jeongin willows his sleeves while sitting down, feeling all hot out of the sudden. He catches Chan, who glances at his defined arms before looking away, and cannot stop the smug smile forming on his face. 

“Sorry for avoiding you,” Chan mumbles, playing with one of his locks, “This week was more stressful than usual.” 

“I understand.” Jeongin understands neither his nor Chan’s feelings, but he at least understands that life can be surprisingly cruel at any time, so he takes Chan's excuse without a second thought. 

Chan looks at the mug curiously and then grabs it. “What is this?”

“I was sorta improvising,” Jeongin says, “Bit of cocoa and coffee.”

“What’s that on top?” 

“Clotted cream.”

Chan gasps. “How it’s made in Britain?” 

“I hope so.” Jeongin smiles. “Our boss came around a lot before returning to Korea, so ...”

“I see. That’s why there are so many different sorts of … basically everything on the menu.” 

Jeongin smiles. “Yeah, exactly.”

Chan tries the mixture. “You’re so good with that,” he sighs, “I don’t like coffee but you really hit my taste.”

“Likewise.”

Chan nearly sputters the drink over the table, coughing. “Uh … yeah … _thanks_ ,” he squeaks and places the mug back on the table. 

“I hope you’re better now,” Jeongin continues, ignoring Chan’s flustered reaction. 

Chan remains silent, looking out of the window. 

“Listen, I shouldn’t have tried to-”

“No! No, it’s not that!” Chan says immediately, “there are just a lot of things in my mind right now.” He turns his head around to look at Jeongin. “It’s not your fault. You’re a great person.” His cheeks become pink and he ruffles through his hair. 

“If you want to talk about your problems, do it. I probably won't understand everything but I’ll listen anyway.” 

Chan fixes his eyes on the ground, breathing audibly. “It’s just … hard,” he mumbles, “I’m trying to get things right but I keep failing. Changbin wants to give me all the time in the world, but I can’t keep hanging around his house.” 

“I get that.” Jeongin actually does.

“Technically I could afford living elsewhere again but my income isn't stable. And Changbin doesn’t accept any money. It _sucks_.” Chan looks at Jeongin. “I know that you offered a room ages ago. I just try to find better solutions and … I don’t know. Paying half of the flat is cheaper and I could still buy my own food and-”

“Are you trying to ask me if we can live together?”

Chan pauses. Then he laughs softly. “I’m insane, right?”

“Well, I offered it to you, so I’m obviously insane too — probably even worse,” Jeongin jokes, feeling his heartbeat racing.

His comment makes Chan even laugh more, although it sounds a bit desperate. “Yeah, probably.”

Jeongin rises and walks over to him. He sits down and faces Chan directly. “If you want to give it a shot, then let’s do it.”

Chan blinks. “You … You still want me as your roommate?”

 _Who wouldn’t?_ “I keep my words,” Jeongin replies, nudging Chan softly, “I was kinda afraid that you'd find me creepy.”

Chan gasps. “No! You’re really cute.” He bites his bottom lip as if he was trying to hold back further, risky comments. “Uhm, yeah. So maybe we should meet up sometime.”

“Sure. I can show you my flat.”

Chan nods, still a bit insecure. “Just a reminder … my income-”

“It’s not stable. I know. Nothing to be ashamed about. Times can be rough.” Impulsively Jeongin places his hand over Chan’s. Although Chan’s arms are strong and wide, his wrists and hands are relatively small in comparison to Jeongin's. “Fuck capitalism,” he whispers, “Eat the rich.”

“Yeah, fuck capitalism.” Chan looks into his eyes, smiling lightly. They just enjoy each other’s presence for a few moments before Chan mutters, “Thanks for listening."

“Don’t mention it,” Jeongin answers, “Everyone deserves to be listened to.” _Especially you._ “Now finish your caffeine intake before it gets cold.” 

Chan obeys and savours the taste his drink. Just watching him enjoying the drink is the biggest compliment, and Jeongin notices that his cheeks start hurting from smiling too much.

“That was delicious.” Chan looks around. “Oh, have you already cleaned?”

“Yeah. Wanted to get it done quickly.” Jeongin taps on Chan’s chin. “You have cream there.”

“Ugh, that always happens.” Chan wipes it away, giggling. “Why are you staring at me like that?” 

“Well, you’re breathtaking.” Jeongin bites his tongue, waiting anxiously for the response. 

Chan chuckles, a bit confused. “Uh … thanks. I mean … Yeah …” He smiles broadly, and Jeongin wonders whether he could swim in that dimple. 

Chan gazes up and slides over the little couch until his thigh hits Jeongin’s. “It’s weird how this place feels more like home than anything else.”

"Very relatable,” Jeongin says, returning the eye contact, “But it’s not particularly this place, you know?” 

Chan nods reassuringly, holding onto Jeongin’s forearm. “Maybe that’s weird to ask, but can I kiss you?” he asks, hesitating.

Jeongin finds it too adorable that Chan asks for his consent so _purely_. Instead of answering, he leans down to peck Chan’s slightly open mouth. “Glad that you finally fucking asked," he whispers.

“You know, for having such a sweet smile you’re surprisingly blunt,” Chan giggles against Jeongin’s lips. Suddenly he holds his head, pain tinting his expression. 

“You’re dizzy?” Worried, Jeongin frowns.

“Yeah, probably from the lack of sleep.” Chan loops his arms around Jeongin’s neck and pulls him closer into a warm hug against his strong chest. “I’m so sorry for being such a mess, but I really, _really_ like you.”

Jeongin wraps his arms around him, breathing in Chan's sweet scent. “If being a mess is required to like me then I’ll take it gladly.” He sits up again and brushes a curl out of Chan’s face. 

Chan grabs his hand. “You should just know that liking me ... just being around me is a challenge. It’s not easy with all the shit that’s going on in my life.” His voice becomes shakier. 

Jeongin holds his face. “Don’t worry.” His thumb caresses Chan’s cheek. “Easy is boring anyway.”


	3. A New Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
> \- mentions of self-harm  
> \- slight description of scars and wounds

Jeongin is not perfectly tidy, not bothering to clean up everything just because Chan comes over. Of course he wants him to stay but he also wants to be honest, and it is the "harsh" truth that he can be messy. 

Jeongin stares outside the window, wondering whether he is doing the right thing. He and Chan both admitted that they had some sort of feelings for each other, so moving in together is pretty risky. But why does it feel so right? Is he too naive? 

At the same time he has never felt this kind of way for someone else before, so either he does the right thing or he is about to fuck this up. He has not told anyone about their meeting, after all nothing is set yet, and obviously, Chan is not very eager about telling Changbin about possibly moving in with some “random dude” from a cafe either, although Jeongin does not see Chan as a stranger anymore. They have known each other for months — kind of. 

They texted each other throughout the week but that does not come even close to a real conversation, especially since Jeongin is not skilled in conveying his intentions overall, so communicating through direct messages is definitely not his strength (in this case his sarcasm is more of a curse).

He flinches as the doorbell rings. Quickly he walks over, almost tripping over the couch table, which causes him to curse loudly, before he opens the door and halts because Chan looks so flustered. “Why did you yell ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’?” Chan laughs. “Is it _that_ horrible to be visited by me?” 

Jeongin steps aside, rubbing his head sheepishly. “What? No … of course not.”

Chan scans him. “It’s unusual to see you in something different than your waiter uniform.”

“Is it good or bad?”

“I mean, you look good in everything.” — half a minute in and Jeongin is already dying. Chan browses around. “Wow, you have a lot of space … and it’s way more welcoming than my old shitty flat.” He takes off his jacket to hang it on the wardrobe before toeing off his sneakers and placing them neatly into the shoe rack. 

“Yeah ...” Jeongin coughs, trying to overshadow his awkwardness. “So, are you ready for a little tour?”

Chan smiles. “Whenever you are.” 

Jeongin takes his hand gently to guide him to the living room, to the kitchen and then to the bathroom, meanwhile explaining basic house rules like no pets, no confusion between the trash cans, no noises after midnight and so on. “I mean, the walls are thick and the hirer is pretty chill, but I guess we shouldn’t throw a party at night time.” 

“Well, I think I can manage that.”

Jeongin shows off his small and adorable balcony very proudly before moving on to Chan’s room which is pretty small but fits a fairly large bed and has a second-hand desk right beneath the window. 

"That looks really comfortable,” Chan says. It is not much, so Jeongin wonders if his old flat is really _that_ bad. Chan turns around. “But like … the kitchen and the living room are pretty big and-”

“It’s okay, that’s on my cost,” Jeongin says, “I’m financially supported and technically you only rent the room in _my_ home. As I said: If it goes downhill with your income, then you can pay later within ratios.” 

Chan sighs. “You have no idea how much you’re helping me.” He turns around and hugs Jeongin, seeming to hesitate for a moment but then kissing his cheek. “Let’s talk about the whole shopping thing and splitting chores," he suggests, mumbling against Jeongin's skin. 

They take the discussion to the kitchen where Jeongin starts brewing coffee.

“You’re even a barista at home,” Chan chuckles.

“Well, it will always taste better if you make coffee yourself unless you spend a ridiculous amount of money on a good machine. It’s not worth it.” 

“What do you do aside from being a waiter?” Chan asks. 

“Schooling to become a nursery teacher,” Jeongin answers, grabbing cups out of the cabinet. 

“Suits you.” 

They sit at the table and talk about a plan for chores just as one for grocery shopping before deciding to inject a list to protocol their spendings. “By the way the washer’s broken but my neighbours are nice enough to let me use theirs. So just tell me when you need your clothes to be washed,” Jeongin explains, “I need to save up this month and then I can buy a new one.” He empties his cup of dark coffee while Chan is still busy with swallowing the mix made out of 80 percent milk and 20 percent actual coffee.

After finishing their coffee they sit on the couch and just start talking randomly. It is Sunday morning and Jeongin has to go to work in the afternoon, so he has time. Chan tells about his cleaning service at a company. “That isn't actually how I pictured my career in the music industry, but well, I take what I can.” 

“It’s a start. Maybe you can build up connections,” Jeongin tries to encourage him.

Chan smiles weakly. “Yeah, maybe. For now I’m tied to the Internet. If I receive enough attention it might help me to stick to social media. I still have to find out.” He comes closer and puts his head on Jeongin’s shoulder. “I wonder if I’ll ever stop worrying about my whole existence.” 

Jeongin strokes his hand over Chan’s head, having a hard time ignoring how small it appears in his large hand. “I believe in that. Your work will pay off. There's no way that life just ignores your determination.”

Chan breathes aloud and embraces Jeongin’s torso. “Thanks.”

“Stop thanking me for everything.” Jeongin lifts up Chan’s chin, taking his sweet time to let his eyes shamelessly trail over Chan’s soft features. He shifts forward and connects their lips for a gentle kiss.

Chan hums in surprise but does not venture against it. Instead he slips his hands into Jeongin’s black hair, his sweater paws rubbing over Jeongin’s neck, smiling into the kiss and skittering even closer until he places one leg over Jeongin’s lap. They stay in this position for a while, holding each other silently. 

Jeongin breaks off the contact and attaches his lips to Chan’s pale neck. He wanders down and leaves sweet, light pecks on the sensitive skin. Chan leans back and gets lost in the sensation, his hands roaming over Jeongin’s back. It takes him a bit of willpower to let loose but eventually he closes his eyes, enjoying Jeongin’s tender touches. 

Soon he lays down on the sofa, looking up to Jeongin, who hovers over him. His lips are already puffy and red, reacting in such a sensitive way to the few kisses — it drives Jeongin madly insane. Aside from all the warmth and comfortness he feels whenever he looks at Chan, lust boils inside of him, and he grips the fabric of the sofa with his sweaty hands. He desperately wants to give in and just let Chan know how much he is wanted, _desired._

“Is that a way to seal our contract?” Chan mutters, caressing Jeongin’s face before tracing his prominent cheekbone with the tip of his index finger. 

Jeongin leans into the touch nuzzling his cheek into Chan’s small palm. “Maybe. If you want to.” He gulps heavily and props himself on his forearms, eventually returning to locking their mouths. Shortly after his tongue brushes against Chan’s plushy bottom lip. 

Chan inhales sharply, but he opens his mouth, groaning in satisfaction. Jeongin’s slender fingers travel down his arm muscles to stroke his tummy before he pulls up the hem of Chan’s hoodie. “Why do you always hide yourself?” he mumbles.

“I don't,” Chan whispers. 

“Yes, you do, always wearing black and baggy clothes.” Jeongin presses his mouth beneath Chan’s belly button. Carefully he opens his belt and then pulls down his zipper before his hand glides under his waistband under a fluid movement. Greedily he licks his lower lip as he touches the warm bulge inside of Chan’s underwear. “Can I eat you out?” he asks, longing in his voice. 

Chan blushes heavily, pushing his knees together. “I … I …,” he stutters.

Immediately Jeongin stops. “If you don’t want to that’s alright. You don’t need to justify that.”

Chan turns his head away. “No, I want to! I really do. But … uh ... so … I think that I should tell you that …” He swallows, his pupils basically rotating. “You should know that I’m ... a virgin.”

Staggered Jeongin sits up. Nobody can tell him that someone as sweet and handsome as Chan has never gotten a chance to get laid, but when he thinks about it, it kind of makes sense, given that Chan nearly drowns himself in work. He wants to say so many things but his mouth does not listen to his brain.

“I mean, I was in a few relationships but I’m not … good at keeping them and …” Chan hides his face behind his hands. “I’m sorry, I’m messing up again. I always do.” He pulls his legs away. “I’ve never gotten the chance to do something different than some … touching because I’m terrible at committing to bonds and-”

“Shhhh, hey. No need to cry.”

Chan did not realize that tears had begun to run down his face and turns away, ashamed. 

“It’s not a big deal, alright?” Jeongin reassures, “Damn, you’re still young. There's no rule saying that you have to lose your virginity at a certain time. People are just stupid to leave you.”

Chan sniffles and wipes his tears away. “You think so?”

“Absolutely. Who the fuck cares?” Jeongin lays down on Chan and places his head on his shoulder. "Besides, I don't have many experiences either." And he just starts telling about his terrible hook-ups, embarrassing dating stories and the awkward make-out sessions on parties where he tried to finger a girl once just to end up crying, because it was so weird. He even laughs at this certain memory, which in turn makes Chan laugh too. 

They end up just lying on the couch, sharing stories of their teenage life and laughing about its stupidity. Jeongin was right about his assumption — Chan is indeed capable of making any place a welcoming, warm home.

* * *

Felix is back at the cafe again and everyone is excited about it. He has this sunshine aura which makes everyone happy, and yes, Jeongin does actually look even more forward to his shifts as well. Most of the time Felix is back in the kitchen anyway, but just knowing that he is present makes a lot of difference in the working atmosphere.

"Somebody is in a good mood, huh?" Seungmin comments. 

Jeongin shrugs. "Well, isn't life …" 

The next moment the door swings open and Chan enters the cafe. 

"... beautiful?" Jeongin smiles like an idiot. 

Seungmin frowns and looks back and forth between these two. 

With a wide smile on his face, Chan waves at Jeongin and then takes his beloved seat. As always he starts his work immediately, putting on his headphones. The difference is that today he brought a guitar suitcase which is now placed next to him. This time Jeongin makes Chan a herbal tea, hoping that he will be able to sleep better later.

"Wow, why tea?" Seungmin questions. 

"Why not? Changes can be good." 

Later Felix comes out of the kitchen to set freshly baked cookies on the counter. "New recipe! Try it." 

As Jeongin picks a cookie Felix spins around, his apron flipping up a bit. "Guess what! Next week I'm going to meet Minho. We want to grab something to eat." 

"Oh, that’s nice," Jeongin comments. 

"And you guys will come with us!" 

Seungmin groans. "Why? So that the whole group can thirdwheel with you guys?" 

Felix pouts. "No. But Minho wants to bring his friends along too. And we wanted to do something together anyway. _Pleaaase_ say that you guys are free!" 

Jeongin nearly chokes on his cookie. Friends. Minho’s friends. Does that mean that Chan and Changbin will come along too? Chan told him that he lied to Changbin by saying that he was about to move back into his old flat. Firstly, Jeongin did not mind, but now he realizes that it would be hard to always keep lying if their groups merged together.

"We'll see about that," he manages to choke out. 

Luckily they are interrupted by guitar chords echoing through the cafe. Not too many customers are here but they become silent when they hear the music. Chan has his eyes fixed on some papers, plucking the strings for a fast, but sweet melody. He nods on beat, following the notes written on the paper. For a short moment he pauses and corrects some of them, eventually crossing out whole phrases before refilling them.

"Your loverboy is capable of anything, huh?" Seungmin grins. 

Felix pricks up his ears. "Loverboy?! Did I miss something?" 

Annoyed, Jeongin rolls his eyes. "It's just a _very_ lame joke. Thank you, Seungs," he spits sarcastically and returns back to work. 

One week later Chan is finally able to move in. They had to talk with the hirer, sign the contract and also needed to get some other bureaucracy paperwork done to change Chan's official residence.

The day when Chan moves is very exciting for Jeongin. He drives his car because Chan has a lot of equipment like his little boxes, his launchpad, his keyboard, his acoustic and electric guitar and so on and so on. However, he is very modest when it comes to his other belongings. Most of his equipment can be set up in the living room and Jeongin absolutely adores the sight — it seems so right. 

It is late Saturday night and they decide to just hang out in the living room, listening to music and cuddling with each other. Chan runs his fingers along Jeongin's arm absently. "Minho said that he wanted to go to a restaurant with you guys next week," he mutters. 

"Yeah, Lix told me a couple of days ago." Jeongin leans his head on Chan's. "Is Changbin going to be there as well?"

"Actually, he's super busy right now. Maybe we're lucky."

"What is he so busy with?" Jeongin asks, curious.

"Studies. He goes to a business university and exams are about to start. Tonight he sleeps over at a study partner's house," Chan tells him, looking up.

"That's why you wanted to move out today."

"Precisely." Nervously Chan chuckles. "I can't tell him that I had fallen into the arms of a stranger." 

Jeongin rolls his eyes, smiling. "You don't feel that much of a stranger anymore, though."

"Good." Chan puts a hand on Jeongin's thigh and pushes himself up to kiss Jeongin. "See … I'm not good at that whole friends with benefits thing," he admits, "Aside from having basically no sexual intercourse in general." He pauses. 

Expectantly Jeongin looks at him. Chan rocks back and forth. "Would it be okay for you to … uh, you know, become exclusive?" 

Taken aback Jeongin looks at him intensely, blinking in surprise. He shakes his head and laughs. "Fuck, yeah, let's do it." He has never been this enthusiastic about starting a relationship. But again, _it feels so right_. 

Chan basically beams at the answer, pulling Jeongin into another kiss; a sweet, passionate one. His lips mold perfectly into Jeongin's, leaving both of them totally breathless. "You're like … the most handsome man I've ever seen," Chan murmurs, smiling shyly. 

Jeongin melts under this compliment, pulling Chan closer. There is something about Chan calling him "handsome" and a "man" that makes his face tingle. Jeongin received some compliments in the past (mainly from girls) but mostly they were statements like: "Aww, you're so cute!" or "Look how adorable you are!" It is not bad but those compliments do not make him feel anything in comparison to Chan, who touches him so gently yet looking at Jeongin like he wanted to devour him. 

Jeongin clasps his fingers around Chan’s small hand and lifts it up to his mouth to kiss it several times. Chan giggles, sliding into Jeongin's lap and peppering Jeongin’s defined jawline with soft kisses, letting his hand wander over Jeongin’s defined, lean chest. 

It is a bit embarrassing but Jeongin can feel that these simple gestures are already enough to rile him up, although Chan is so careful. Jeongin longs for more but he is not sure if it is okay to show it. As Chan's sleeves roll up he recognizes once again scratches over the pale skin, but Jeongin acts like he has not seen them. 

Suddenly Chan grabs his crotch. "Already hard? I haven't done anything yet," he teases. 

Jeongin huffs. "You suck." 

"Hmh, sure, I can do that." Chan places a wet kiss on his parted lips, already opening Jeongin's pants.

"Is that a speciality you offer?" Jeongin gasps, a bit overwhelmed by the sudden confidence.

Chan slides over Jeongin’s thighs to kneel down on the floor. Comfortably he leans his arms on Jeongin’s legs, smirking. "Do you want to find out?"

Incapable of words Jeongin just nods and leans back, observing Chan, who fumbles with his waistband. Soon puffy lips close around his tip, sucking softly, Chan wrapping his hand around the base of Jeongin’s dick before moving his fingers up and down. He does not wait too long before opening his mouth a bit further. Apparently he does not really have much of a gag reflex since he slides down with a surprising ease. 

With both hands he grabs Jeongin’s thighs and squeezes them. Joy lits up in his eyes as he witnesses Jeongin’s reaction. Encouraged, he continues and hums low in his throat, causing vibrations. Jeongin’s fingers brush through Chan’s hair, eventually tugging it lightly. He groans at the warm wetness around his dick, hugging him so tightly. 

It feels like a dream. He has been thinking about Chan the past months and now he kneels in front of him, eager to bring pleasure. 

Mostly Chan avoids eye contact or else the shyness would probably kill him. His movements are a bit uncoordinated, slurping sounds slip from his mouth whenever he changes his position and he shifts a bit awkwardly on the floor — Jeongin _adores_ it. 

“I’m close,” Jeongin whimpers, a bit embarrassed that he cannot last much longer. 

Chan backs off and uses his hand to jerk Jeongin off, not moving an inch. Therefore, Jeongin’s load lands on his face, causing him to close his eyes and even opening his mouth to catch a few drops only to grimace and shake. Too bitter for him, well, as expected. 

Jeongin needs a few moments to calm down, but his abdomen cannot stop contracting forcefully, the intense blast of tingling sensations causing him to shake violently. With trembling hands he reaches for some tissues to clean Chan’s face, patting the small smile on it. Jeongin raises his eyebrows. “What?” 

“Nothing. You seemed to enjoy it.”

Jeongin huffs. “You’re not being cocky about it, are you?” 

Chan laughs and sits next to Jeongin. He kisses his nape, traveling along it until he whispers into his ear, “Just let me have that moment of victory.”

Jeongin wishes that the sweet tone of his laugh would never leave his ears again.

* * *

The whole week is pretty calm. Jeongin and Chan mostly spend time together at breakfast (with Jeongin noticing how sleepy Chan is) and wish each other sweet dreams in the evening. They do not share a bed — not yet. Jeongin has decided to leave some privacy to Chan since the changes are still overwhelming to both of them (and well, Jeongin has never liked sharing his bed with somebody else, although he would make an exception for Chan).

They both have a lot to do, and although Chan comes to the cafe as often as he can, they both need to act like always. It is just so strange to admit that they actually live together. Besides, some things are still uncertain for Jeongin because he has no idea how long Chan wants to stay. He knows that Chan has goals and dreams, and Jeongin has no right to think that he is automatically included in Chan's future. 

Sure, they are in a relationship but it is still a small plant. They need to water it properly before deciding on final plans. And Jeongin wants to do that. He wants to do that so much, it hurts him just to think about a potential breakup. It is his biggest wish to ease Chan’s pain a bit, but he is not good with words so he still brews pots of coffee for Chan’s caffeine intake.

“I really don’t feel like coming with you guys tomorrow,” Jeongin speaks into his phone, “I mean, it’s about Minho and you right? You don’t need me.”

“But why would you stay at home?” Felix whines at the other end of the line, “It’ll be fun! And Chan will be probably there too.”

“Yeah, that doesn’t make a difference.”

“But I thought that you were crushing on him.”

Jeongin sighs loudly. “That _really_ doesn’t matter. I’m busy, alright? I need to buy a new washer.” That is not even a lie, so he does not feel bad about this excuse. 

“Are you serious? Your stupid washer can wait!”

Jeongin grits his teeth, muffling a scream out of frustration. He is not mad at Felix but at himself, because hell, why does he need to make things that complicated? “Okay, let me think about it and I’ll call you back tomorrow,” he decides and hangs up before Felix can protest.

He hears the clicking of the door and smiles. It feels so right that Chan has a key now as well since it is like they have not that many secrets anymore; both of them can walk in any time they want to. 

“Hey,” he greets Chan, who yawns. “How was it at Changbin’s?”

“Fine. I’m going to bed,” Chan mumbles. He does not sound harsh or anything like that, just sleepy and also a bit pressed. “Good night, love.” He closes the door softly behind him.

The silence which wraps around Jeongin is cold. It is not the first time that Chan has this kind of downfall. Jeongin does not possess the ability to predict the shifts in his mood but he is not mad. After all, Chan goes through a lot and has every right to be sad. 

Later that night Jeongin hears footsteps in front of his door. His sleep has been very light, so he basically snaps out of it as soon as he is certain that there is someone in the corridor. Creaking, the door opens and a frame enters the room before the door is shut again.

Jeongin rubs his eyes and blinks. “Chan?”

“Sorry. Can I sleep with you tonight?”

Immediately, Jeongin shifts to the side and flips the blanket back, so Chan can crawl into the sheets. He places his head in the crook between Jeongin’s arm and chest, nuzzling his nose into Jeongin’s t-shirt. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, “I shouldn’t have come home to you like this.”

“No, it’s fine. I understand.”

“You do?”

Jeongin puts an arm around Chan. “At least I try to.” He kisses Chan’s forehead. “Was it a bad day?”

Chan shrugs lightly. “Sometimes that hole of hopelessness just sucks me in all of the sudden. The one moment I think I’m fine and the next one I feel so lost. I don’t know what I’m doing and … yeah. Sometimes I wish just to disappear.” He gulps. “Not as in dying. But it would be nice just to be away for a few hours and take a break from myself.”

Jeongin caresses Chan's shoulder and simply listens, because finally Chan is talking and getting some worries off his chest. “But then I know that I can’t slack off, you know? So I try to keep myself in reality.” He buries his face in Jeongin’s shirt. Suddenly he becomes so tiny and vulnerable — it breaks Jeongin’s heart. 

“I need to … confess something,” he sniffles and rubs his cheek against Jeongin’s chest, “When I said that I was a virgin … that was an excuse.” 

Surprised, Jeongin looks at him. Through the window there is sparse lighting coming from the outside, so he can only distinguish Chan’s silhouette but he can basically sense Chan’s embarrassment. 

“I mean … so uh, no, I _am_ a virgin. But I really wanted to go further. The reason why I couldn’t was something different.” 

Jeongin strokes over Chan's back, feeling the tension. “Don’t tell me if you don’t want to. Tell me if it helps you, not to satisfy me,” he murmurs, “You don’t have to make up for anything, ‘kay?” 

Chan swallows. “But you’ve already noticed. I mean, the cuts.”

Jeongin freezes.

“It’s okay. I can talk about it.” 

“You sure?” 

Chan softly nods and throws his leg over Jeongin to scuttle onto him. He sits down on Jeongin’s hips, supporting his hands next to Jeongin's head. Now Jeongin realizes that Chan wears a tank-top; it is the first time that he sees him in something which is not long-sleeved. 

Jeongin gasps, closing his eyes briefly before looking at Chan again. Although it is gloomy in here he can identify the swollen wounds on Chan's muscular arms. His eyes wander down until he catches the pale thighs which are also blotched with several cuts. 

“Do you think it’s sick? It is, right?” Chan asks, “But I can’t help it. That moment I hurt myself, I just want to feel the adrenaline. Why is it so bad for me, although it makes me feel good for those few seconds?” He presses his lips together.

Jeongin feels something wet on his cheeks and notices that Chan’s tears are dropping down. 

“I always regret it and yet I do it over and over again,” Chan mumbles, “I just wanna feel alive again and that is the closest I can get to it.” He puts his hand on Jeongin’s face. “I mean aside from being with you.”

“Chan,” Jeongin chokes out, “I’m here for you, but I don’t know if ’ll be able to support you like you need it.” 

“What you do is alright,” Chan assures him and kisses the tip of his nose, “What you do makes me look more forward to the next day. And that rarely happens.” He suppresses a sob, clutching his hands into his sheets. “I love that I can wake up and walk into the kitchen to drink coffee with you. I really-”

Jeongin interrupts him by clashing their mouths together. The kiss is desperate, wet and salty, but it causes a fire inside of him and he cannot get enough of the taste. Chan hovers above him all vulnerable, asking for his understanding, although Jeongin feels already drunk out of want and could _never_ leave Chan.

Their tongues brush against each other hungrily, nearly fighting over who wants the other more. Jeongin swallows Chan’s pants and moans, trying to absorb them somehow, his hips bucking up automatically and causing friction between the two of them. 

Chan sits up pressing his bum down onto his crotch. A bit clumsily he gets rid of his tank top and trails his hand along Jeongin’s torso. He pulls the hem of Jeongin's shirt a bit up before following Jeongin’s happy trail. 

“Chan … We shouldn’t,” Jeongin protests with a shaky voice.

Chan stops and whispers a defeated, “Why?” He backs off, tilting his head. “Is it because of …” He loops his arms around his own body, his fingers pressing into the wounds and scars. “I mean, I can understand that you find them ugly.”

Shocked, Jeongin untangles Chan’s hold. “No! No, it’s not that. I swear. Chan, gosh, you’re so beautiful.” He tries to sit up as well, eventually leaning against the headboard. “You’re just very emotional right now. I don’t want you to do anything which you might regret later.”

“If it’s with you, I won’t regret it.”

Jeongin’s expression softens at the sincere tone of Chan’s voice. 

“I _really_ want you,” Chan pleads.

Jeongin pulls him into a hug. “But you already have me. Don’t worry.” He closes his eyes and kisses Chan's bare shoulder. “I won’t go anywhere. We have all the time in the world.”

* * *

In the end they decide to come with their friends for dinner. They are supposed to meet at a restaurant downtown, a bit more fancy, so Jeongin decides to dress up a bit at least. Chan has had the same thought since he steps out of the bathroom with a silk (and of course) black shirt. His dark pants hug his thighs tightly, exposing his cute bum — Jeongin cannot resist grabbing it as he hugs him.

Playfully Chan hits him on the shoulder, smiling nervously. He even has makeup on but that is no surprise because he is kind of embarrassed of his bare face (although Jeongin thinks that bare face Chan is the best Chan). 

"I still don't know … about everything," Chan says, "I don't even have that much money to actually-"

"It's okay. I'll pay. You did the chores the whole week when I wasn't home," Jeongin interrupts, "My parents gave me some money because they want me to hangout with friends more, so it's fine." He kisses Chan softly before taking out his sounding phone. A message from Felix on kakaotalk. "They're at the restaurant already. Let's go." 

They take the car since Jeongin does not like to take the public traffic in the evening. He usually uses his bike to go to work, but having a car is a huge blessing. With every minute which passes his nervosity grows. He cannot really picture how his friends will react, fuck, he has not even told Jisung yet because he simply did not have the peace to do so.

Jeongin drives into the parking lot and stops the motor. With a smile on his face, he steps outside of the car, surrounds it and opens the door of the co-driver’s seat. “If you don’t mind, sir,” he mocks and extends his hand.

Chan rolls his eyes, smiling, before placing his hand into Jeongin’s, Jeongin easily clasping his fingers entirely and pulling him out. “Are you ready?”

Chan smiles. "Whenever you are."

They enter the rather full restaurant and look out for their friends. Since the table of their group is pretty big it is not difficult to find it. Jeongin brings Chan’s hand up to his mouth and kisses his knuckles reassuringly. Then he leads Chan to the table, trying to hold a strong, confident attitude. “Sorry for being late. We kinda messed up the time.”

Five shocked faces look at them.

 _“We?”_ Changbin says, his jaw dropping, “Chan, you said you were at home!”

“I was at home!” Chan protests and bites his lower lip.

“Sit down first,” Seungmin suggests, his expression now pretty much neutral as if he wanted to analyze the situation before judging. 

Jeongin and Chan follow the instruction, but Chan feels so insecure that he clings onto Jeongin’s arm. Short silence breaks over them until a waiter comes to note down what they want to drink. After that everyone stares expectantly at Jeongin and Chan.

“So?” Hyunjin finally says, “What do you want to tell us, Innie?”

Jeongin does not want to tell _anything_ but he has to, no matter how crazy their situation may sound. He clears his throat, looking at Chan just to be sure that he is okay with the reveal. Chan gives a tiny nod.

“Uh, so Chan and I … we’re together,” Jeongin stutters, suddenly not so confident anymore. 

Again, cruel silence.

“Together as … in an actual relationship?” Felix asks carefully. 

“Obviously,” Hyunjin comments, frowning, “I mean … nice. How long have you guys been knowing each other again?"

“A few months,” Jeongin answers. That whole couple thing might be really fine for them but that does not guarantee that they will take the other part of the reveal that easily. “And we also live together.” He needed to get that out of his system _now_ , because although he is anxious, relief washes over him. The others can judge him now; at least he does not have to carry around that secret anymore.

“What the hell?” Changbin exclaims, “You said you were moving back into your old flat!”

“The hirer wouldn’t have taken the risk anyway,” Chan explains, staring at the menu card to avoid Changbin's piercing gaze, “And renting a whole flat would be too expensive for me. Sharing with someone else is easier.”

“You could’ve stayed,” Changbin says, shaking his head in disbelief.

“You wouldn’t have accepted the money. Besides, technically it’s still your parents’ home. Do you have any idea how humiliating that was for me?” Chan raises his head. “I need to live my own life.”

“With some random stranger from a cafe.” Quickly Changbin looks at Jeongin, lifting his hand. “Nothing against you.” Then he turns to Chan again. “You’re crazy! I’m your best friend! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Don’t be too mad,” Jisung says abruptly, “My best friend hasn’t told me either.” He shoots a somewhat judging glance at Jeongin.

“Because we knew how you guys would react,” Jeongin argues. 

Nobody can understand their mutual fondness, Jeongin knows that. Chan and Jeongin make each other feel safe and home and it is hard to explain precisely what this bond is. They have different goals and values yet they are in total harmony, so it is not like they compliment each other. Each of them is a whole circle and together … well, together they are two circles coexisting next to each other. 

“In fact I know that you just don’t get into relationships,” Jisung says, “And if you want to be with him, then do it. You’re an adult after all.”

They are interrupted by the waiter, who brings them their drinks. After asking about their dinner wishes, he leaves again. 

“That’s too crazy,” Felix comments, “I can’t believe that I missed that much when I wasn’t around at the cafe. And I even told you to ask him out, I just-” 

Jeongin cannot deny that it is a bit crazy, but does “crazy” equal “bad”? He gazes at Chan and sighs, because Chan does not even dare to look up again. Does he regret coming here?

“Chan, you lied to me,” Changbin mumbles, “Why?”

Chan folds his hand in his lap, shifting awkwardly on his chair. “Because you care too much about me. I just wanted to get something done on my own.”

Changbin leans back, his eyes softening. “You’re getting things done enough already. Just accept the help.”

“Yeah, I’m trying but I also want to … I don’t know. I want to be independent, I guess.” Chan ruffles through his hair, not able to say anything else.

Jeongin hates that the atmosphere is so pressed now. Perhaps they should have waited for their confession, but at the same time he does not want to hide their relationship. It is nothing to be ashamed of — he needs to believe in it or it is certain to break apart anyway. 

When their food arrives nobody moves an inch. Jeongin needs to control the urge of standing up and just leaving. It is really ironic how Felix thought that it would be a good idea to meet as a bigger group. He does not have any fault in the current situation but it is still funny in the worst way possible. 

Seungmin groans in annoyance. “I hate it here,” he says, grabbing his plate before he begins eating, “You all act like they commited a crime.” 

“Well, it’s mind blowing that Innie just starts relationships _without telling u_ s,” Hyunjin mutters before starting to eat as well. 

Slowly everyone reaches out for the food and then starts eating in silence. It is a bit awkward but not as torturing as expected. At some point Jisung even starts a conversation with Changbin, which in turn works like an impulse since the others begin warming up and actually talk to each other. Only Chan remains silent. That does not change the whole evening. 

“That was a lot nicer than I expected,” Seungmin admits, “But the next time we should just go bowling and eat pizza.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Minho confirms and nudges Felix, “Can I bring you home?”

Felix’s face lits up. “Sure!” 

Jeongin touches Chan’s shoulder lightly. “Let’s go home too.” 

Chan nods and walks in front of him, but before Jeongin can follow him he is held back by a strong grip on his shoulder. Confused, he glances over his shoulder to face Changbin, who looks at him, dark eyes displaying threatening depth. “You better treat him right.”

Jeongin wants to jump at that but he is surprisingly able to maintain his chill attitude. “I will,” he replies with a sincere voice.

Changbin examines him before letting go. “Good. See you soon.”

Jeongin does not know whether this is a nice intended “Bye” or more of a "I'll come for your throat", but he does not want to stay long enough to find out. Quickly he catches up to Chan and reaches out for his hand again. 

It is late already, so there are not many other cars in the parking lot. With a heavy sigh Jeongin sits down in front of the steering wheel. “Well, that was something.” 

Chan just stares outside of the window. 

“Chan?” 

Chan drops his head against the cold glass and shivers. “I disappointed him.”

Jeongin cannot say anything about that. After all, this is an issue between Chan and Changbin. Personally, he hates it whenever people try to tell him how to solve his conflicts with Jisung, because Jeongin is his best friend, therefore, nobody knows how to handle such problems better than himself. 

Jeongin puts a hand between Chan’s shoulder blades. “You’ll figure it out. Both of you.”

Slowly Chan turns around. “Do you think it’s right to be with me?” 

Surprise unfolds on Jeongin’s face. “I wouldn’t be with you if it didn’t feel right.” He brushes a curl behind Chan’s ear. 

“You sure? There is a difference between feeling good and being right.” 

Jeongin knows exactly what Chan means by that but he just shakes his head. “Don’t say that. You don’t deserve to be upset like this.”

Chan laughs, shaking. “I’m the one who interrogates you and you say that _I_ don’t deserve it? You’re too good for this world. I don’t know what I should think about you.”

“Then kiss me if you don’t have anything else to say.”

Chan gives in, leaning forward to press his soft lips against Jeongin’s. Receiving a kiss from him always feels like falling into a bed full of pillows. The way he tilts his head and reaches out with his hands brushes like a tender breeze over Jeongin’s body. 

They keep kissing each other endearingly until their necks cramp up. Chan slides over and climbs into Jeongin’s lap. Teasingly he sucks on Jeongin’s neck, not enough to leave hickeys but enough to drive Jeongin crazy. 

“Ah, it’s uncomfortable here,” Jeongin says, “And I need to drive.” 

“Are you afraid of becoming drunk from kisses?” Chan giggles and caresses Jeongin’s chest. 

“Sometimes you’re a fucking plague.”

“Ouch, how mean!” Chan whines just to laugh again. His mood swings are remarkable and a bit worrying at the same time, but hearing and seeing him all happy fulfills Jeongin entirely, so how can he complain? 

“Come on let’s go home or else my dick’s going to be hard,” Jeongin decides.

Chan grins and slides back to his seat. “Yeah,” he whispers with a content face, “Let’s go home.”


	4. Building Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
> \- mentions of self harm  
> \- insecurities because of wounds and scars

Jeongin learns a lot through Chan and he only needs to sit in the living room with him, busy with his own work, and glimpse over from time to time to do so. Whenever Chan works on his music there is something new, something interesting, something that makes Jeongin fall so much more in love. (Jisung also started making fun of him because of his helplessness.)

Jeongin is known as the savage kid among his friends (ignoring the fact that he is an adult age wise), and although he throws snappy comments at Chan from time to time he cannot deny that he is so fucking whipped, willing to give Chan everything he wants.

Today Chan works on a guitar piece, mentioned before that it should be more of a rock instrumental. Jeongin himself is pretty excited because he has been wondering how Chan plays the electrical guitar ever since he first saw it.

Despite having small hands Chan’s fingers are long and beautiful, especially when they slide over the strings. Jeongin knows a bit about guitars since Jisung likes to play too, but he is not near to Chan’s level (the comparison is unfair anyway). He knows that chords and fingerstyle exist and that is it. 

Chan uses fingerstyle, builds a melody, plays harmonics, taps on the strings and creates ghost notes. The sound is so incredibly rich that it is nearly unbelievable that it is coming from one guitar only. Chan checks the recording and nods with the beat. He frowns and grabs the sheet of paper. “Wait, that doesn’t sound right.” He is so neat and picky but in a very passionate and eager way. Honestly, Jeongin does not know how it is possible to be more attracted to him than already, it is  _ unfair  _ that Chan can do everything and surprise him every day.

“You want to go on a date?” Jeongin asks out of the sudden.

Chan blinks and lowers the sheet in his hand. “Eh?” He laughs. “Why are you saying this? I’m working right now. Stop distracting me!” he complains. 

Jeongin rolls his eyes. “I’m free this weekend, so I thought that we could get out a bit more.”

Chan smiles. “Yeah, yeah, sure. I wanna get ice cream.” 

“Alright,” Jeongin says, playing along, “Vanilla or chocolate?”

Shocked, Chan drops his papers and reaches for his head to tug his curls. “Ahhh! That is  _ so  _ difficult!” He frowns, thinking hard before throwing his head back in frustration. Jeongin always does this whenever he feels like teasing Chan. He is a libra, so choices are the burning hell for him.

“Ugh, I think I have to go … with vanilla?” Chan sighs. “Man …”

“You can think about it until the weekend,” Jeongin snickers. 

Chan gets up and throws himself at Jeongin. “Pay me for the amount of suffering you caused!” 

They play a bit on the couch, laughing. Then Jeongin grabs Chan’s arm which causes Chan to hiss. Immediately he lets go and looks worried at him.

“Sorry,” Chan mumbles, backing off and not commenting further on the situation, but the mood has significantly dropped nonetheless. Silently he returns back to work. Jeongin does not dare to interrupt him.

Later when Jeongin showers he hears the creak of the opening door behind him. Surprised, he turns around. "What are you doing here?”

“Apologizing,” Chan says.

“While I’m showering?” Jeongin does not know whether to laugh or stay serious.

“Yeah. I said that I wouldn’t cut myself again.” 

Jeongin leans against the glass wall. “Don’t beat yourself up. Improvement comes with time.” 

Chan looks up to him and then smiles bitterly. He pulls the shirt over his head and gets rid of his pants before opening the glass door and stepping into the shower. There is not a lot of space inside of the cabin, so he stands pressed against Jeongin’s body. 

“Doesn’t it hurt?” Jeongin questions as he closes his eyes because the stream of water floods into his face directly. He pushes his back against the cold wall and lowers the amount of water which pours from above. 

Chan shrugs. “It’s not that bad.” He picks up shower gel to wash his own body, leaving out his lower arms and thighs. “You wanna?” He holds out the tube.

Jeongin takes it and spreads a good amount on his palms before running them over Chan’s upper body, taking a lot of time and getting lost in the sensation of Chan’s soft skin beneath his fingers. Eventually he scoots forward and connects their mouths for a wet kiss. A pleased  _ hmm  _ sound escapes from Chan as he throws his arms around Jeongin’s neck. Then he gasps as one of Jeongin’s fingertips brushes against his nipple. 

“So you're sensitive there?” Jeongin asks, only to tease because Chan’s reaction has been so obvious. He kisses along Chan’s cheek, letting his hands wander over Chan’s pale chest. Cautiously he catches both buds with his fingers and squeezes them gently.

Chan pushes his legs together out of pleasure and openly moans at the stimulation. He shies away and puts his hand on his mouth  — it is fascinating how outgoing he can be only to crumble because of some touches. 

Jeongin leans down and captures one nipple with his lips to suck on it while the other is teased by his fingers. Chan starts shaking and twitching, helplessly grabbing Jeongin’s hair and arching his back. Small whimpers make their way out of his mouth, fueling Jeongin’s ego. 

After a while Jeongin backs off and eventually leaves Chan’s nipples red and puffy. He smirks as he realizes that Chan is hard already, and Jeongin does not feel any different but he has his face a lot better under control. 

Chan looks away out of embarrassment but Jeongin turns his face around. “This time I’m going to eat you out.” Anyhow it is pretty easy to clean Chan if they are already here in the shower. 

After going through a small cleaning session Jeongin turns Chan around. By no means at all does he have a physical advantage (although Chan has lost some muscle mass due to his constant work, becoming also a bit chubbier around his waist, which is the most adorable thing on earth to Jeongin), but Chan melts away every time Jeongin touches him, feeling the need to just give all the responsibility to someone else. 

Chan leans against the glass wall exhaling audibly. In the meantime Jeongin is kneeling down, covering Chan’s milky thighs with a fierce grip. He spreads kisses all over the smooth skin moving slowly up to Chan’s bum to teasingly bite one one side of it, eliciting a whine.

He laughs huskily before spreading Chan’s cheeks. Once again he leans his head back, trying to figure out whether this is okay for Chan, but since he cannot see Chan’s face he decides to ask directly, “Chan, is this okay?”

Restive panting comes back. “Yeah, yeah, now do something,” Chan asks impatiently, his knees shaking crazily. Jeongin then kisses his rim softly. One time, two times, endless times. He blows fraily against it, eventually chuckling at Chan’s sensitive reaction.

“Please … stop teasing.”

“I’m not teasing, sir. Have a bit more patience until your order arrives.”

Whiny protests are the response, causing Jeongin to grin. Then he licks between Chan’s cheeks, pushing his lips with more pressure against the rim, hoping that it would help relaxing Chan. He actually has a lot of fun by trying some patterns, licking long stripes or just using the tip of his tongue to tickle Chan. Chan seems to enjoy it as well, based on his soft noises and melodic moans. 

Jeongin grips his hips, running his tongue with the wider side over his rim and the area around it, already feeling how the muscle wants to give in out of anticipation. Finally he holds the tip against the hole and pushes in. Chan slumps against the glass wall, clenching and whimpering. He tries to find a grip on the smooth surface only to slide down. He frowns, pressing his cheek against the wall, jolting under Jeongin’s thrusts.

Jeongin has become too impatient as well, now licking in the same motion over and over again, pushing in and out in a thirsting manner. He would actually say that Chan is a remarkable competition to coffee.

Chan becomes too eager, so Jeongin pulls out again. He returns to the light tongue-flicking method before licking over Chan’s taint. The sensitive area makes Chan breathe heavily, yearning for more. 

Jeongin gets up. “Stay like this,” he says, reaching for the bottle of water based lube. He spreads some of it on his pinkie and sets it onto Chan’s awaiting hole. “Are you fine with that?”

Chan pants. “Yeah, yeah. I did it myself before.”

A bit surprised, Jeongin looks at him. “With your own fingers? That’s cute.” Given that his own hands are so much bigger than Chan’s. To be honest, he would love to see how Chan pushes his own fingers into himself, but that may be better for another time.

Jeongin slides the tip inside, sucking on Chan’s thigh. Soon he is able to push in his whole digit, making Chan moan desperately, throwing his hand flatly against the steamed glass wall and leaving a print there. His palm glides down slowly, clearing the wall. “Please, please, please …”

“Please what?”

Chan bites his lower lip, trying to support himself on his forearms. “Fuck me already.” He suppresses a high whine, trying to push his hips back.

Jeongin stops him. “I’m not going to fuck you.”

Chan turns his head around and looks at him like a kicked puppy. With a smile Jeongin kisses his bum. “I’m going to make love to you.” Then he looks a bit more serious. “But not in here. Not like this.” 

Jeongin wraps his hand around Chan’s dick and jerks him off to the rhythm he thrusts into him. He can move on to his index and middle finger, already reaching further inside than Chan could have ever done. 

It is a bliss hearing Chan, all these pants, little noises, louder moans. Chan is not able to form actual words anymore, instead babbling nonsense. With a cry Chan comes against the glass wall and nearly breaks down. Jeongin holds him but he slides onto the ground and leans his forehead against the wall.

“Are you okay?” Jeongin asks. 

Chan simply nods before turning around, and for a second Jeongin forgets how to breathe. Chan looks incredibly fucked out: his cheeks all red, his bottom lip swollen only from biting and sucking a little on it, the corners of his eyes filled with tears and his nose twitching. And although he is exhausted, he reaches out to hold Jeongin’s hand, giving him a smile. As if they were on a casual date, sitting together and simply talking all purely. 

It is that moment that Jeongin realizes that he might be in love. 

* * *

"How are things going?" Smoothly Felix slides over the surface of the counter to stop in front of Jeongin.

Jeongin frowns in confusion yet not losing focus of the steaming coffee. "What do you mean?"

"Life, love, that coffee you’ve been stirring for ten minutes."

Jeongin freezes, realizing that his wrist is hurting a bit. "Oh." He coughs and pours the coffee into a pot. He is a bit nervous because Chan told him that he would go to an interview at a club. They need a DJ and although it is not his dream job, it is at least something that he would enjoy more than cleaning services. 

Jeongin prays that he gets the job because he does not know how to handle another Chan-downfall — he really hates seeing Chan upset. 

“So? How is it going with Chan?”

Jeongin becomes a bit suspicious. “Fine.” He does not know whether he should go into detail of anything because he has the feeling that his bond with Chan is extremely intimate and private - he cannot depict it in a few statements. 

“What about you and Minho?” he questions to distract from the original topic.

“Great! We saw each other this week again. He’s very sweet.” Felix smiles. “Actually, he’ll come over later.”

“You mean … here?” 

Felix nods. 

Jeongin hums, grabbing a mug to pour some coffee into it. “So are you two boyfriends now?”

“Oh, no, no, we want to go on a few more dates.”

Jeongin acknowledges it with an “I see.” 

A bit nervously Felix fumbles with his apron. “You know, we don’t want to rush our relationship.” 

Jeongin lifts an eyebrow. “Sure.” He sprays up cream and pokes marshmallows into it forcefully.

Felix scratches his neck. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“I know.” It is his own judging which makes him a bit angry. Being with Chan is his own choice. Being with Chan is right. Being with Chan is being at home. 

“You know, we could go on a double date!” Felix suggests to light up the mood.

Jeongin suppresses the urge to gag. “Hell no.”

“But it would be so cute!” 

No, it would be awkward and mortifying. Jeongin is kind of traumatized by the dinner, so he is not really eager to do some "fun group activities" again, his face telling his exact thoughts. He grabs the coffee to bring it over to the customer, but when he returns Felix pouts at him, obviously not done with their conversation. “Come on, Jeongin. I really want to learn more about him! It’s not very typical of you to get invested in a serious relationship.” 

Yeah, because Jeongin is not good at showing affection, but again: Chan is different. Chan makes him see the world in a different light with more colours. 

The next second the door swings open before Chan and Minho enter the cafe. They probably met halfway and decided to go together. Chan smiles broadly and starts running, before falling into Jeongin’s arms. “I got it!” he jeers, snuggling his face into the crook of Jeongin’s neck. 

Relieved, Jeongin loops an arm around him and buries his nose in his dark curls. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank you, love.” Chan leans back, giggling. But then his smile drops a bit. “It’s just sad that I cannot come anymore to play piano.”

“That’s fine as long as you’re happy with your new job and earn decent money with it." Jeongin smiles lightly. “And who knows? Maybe I’ll just start learning piano and be the perfect substitute.” 

Chan chuckles and turns around to Minho. The last time Jeongin was too nervous to even pay attention to him but now that he looks closer he realizes that Minho is goddamn handsome. The kind of handsome which would appear in various model magazines. Catty eyes, sharp nose and pouty lips, which form to a smug smile. Furthermore, he is pretty toned, sculptured into a beautiful dancer body with strong shoulders, arms and legs. 

_ Okay _ ,  _ yeah _ , Jeongin gets why Felix has a mad crush on him. 

“Sooo,” Chan says, “I wanted to ask if it would be okay to invite Changbin over for this Sunday. I talked to him again and he’d like to apologize to you for being so harsh.”

Jeongin furrows his brows. “Really? Uh …”

Felix enters the conversation. “That's so nice of him! Maybe Jeongin could invite Jisung! Then it would be kind of a ‘best friends meeting'.”

That is actually a cute idea, Jeongin has to admit that. But is he ready for that? At the same time he knows that he cannot just walk away from this conversation his whole life. If he genuinely wants to commit to their relationship he needs to take more interest in Chan’s life, and that includes meeting his friends properly.

“Yeah … sure why not. We could cook something for them,” he says.

“Chan is a great cook,” Minho comments. 

“Nooo, I’m a bit rusty,” Chan giggles, “I’m so glad that Changbin isn’t mad anymore. I still feel bad for lying.”

Jeongin wants to move past that conversation because it has been making him uncomfortable since Chan mentioned Changbin. “Do you want to drink something?” 

“Yeahhhh, I want hot chocolate.” 

“No coffee?” Jeongin smirks.

“No, I’ll try to sleep earlier today.”

Jeongin caresses Chan’s cheek for a split second. “Yeah, you better will.” While he is heating the hot chocolate Minho and Chan sit down at one of the tables. 

Felix sorts the cakes, muffins and cookies in the display cabinet with a lot of love and care. “You and your boyfriend are so cute together,” he cooes eventually, glimpsing at Jeongin.

“Why are you so excited about that?” 

"Because Innie is in  _ lohohooohove _ . That’s just cute!"

Felix is lucky that he is such a sweetheart or else Jeongin would just punch him. He knows that he tries to be encouraging but it is so difficult to believe that after the first meeting. For some of his friends it is super weird that they already live together and it only strengthens Jeongin’s stupid insecurities. 

But again, it is Jeongin’s fault.

* * *

The week passes pretty quickly. Jeongin tries to look forward to the end of it since he wants to go out with Chan, but at the same time he knows that the meeting with Changbin and Jisung is coming closer.

Jisung is completely enthusiastic about it. In contrast to the rest of Jeongin’s friends he comes off as surprisingly calm and takes the relationship between Jeongin and Chan more naturally which in turn helps Jeongin a lot. 

In the afternoon Jeongin and Chan go outside to get ice cream (Chan does opt for vanilla). They keep strolling around the city, visiting shops randomly and talking about their week. 

"Isn't it like … crazy how fast time flies?" Chan murmurs, "It feels like I've been living since yesterday with you."

"It's still not that long," Jeongin chuckles.

They stop at a little lake in the park and watch the ducks swimming and quaking. It is peaceful, but in contrast to that Jeongin feels like a mess. Impulsively he takes Chan's hand and pulls him closer, not sure whether it is a good idea to talk about  _ this  _ issue now, but he cannot hold back either. "Do you sometimes think …" 

"That it was a bit rushed?" Chan laughs breathlessly. "Yeah, kinda. We're still in the process of getting to know each other. But the information I have about you is enough for me." 

"What information?" 

Chan turns around. "Your attentiveness. Your understanding. Your patience. The way you share your feelings is obvious and subtle enough for me." He squeezes his hand. "I don't make sense, do I?" 

"It's okay. It sounds kinda romantic," Jeongin jokes. 

Chan giggles, hugging him. "I feel really safe with you. That doesn't happen too often if you struggle with your existence every single day. Your aura … I want to keep it around me."

Jeongin wraps his arms around Chan. "I feel the same. Although I’m not much of a help …" 

"It's not your duty as my boyfriend to fight for my mental well-being. You are here to support me and that matters the most." Chan looks up to him. "That fight … is a fight that involves my willpower solely. In the end I still have to win it by myself." He puts his hand on Jeongin's cheek. It is so cute how it appears there as small since Jeongin has a sharp, defined and a bit broader face. 

Looking at Chan, Jeongin realizes that the shape of his whole face is not only soft but also a bit smaller. It is crazy if you go about his wide shoulders and that impressive biceps only to be caught off guard by the more tender parts of his body. 

"I just … yeah really love the way you look at me," Chan admits sheepishly. 

"How do I look at you?" 

Chan clears his throat. "As if I were beautiful. As if the scars and wounds on my skin didn't make a difference." He blushes. "And I uh … kinda like the want in your eyes. I know that we click emotionally, but it feels good to be seen as … attractive, I guess," he stutters, “and I-" 

Jeongin shuts him up by kissing him. 

Later their ways separate. Jeongin has to work as usual and Chan has his first night as a DJ. It is great that he has a music-related job now, but Jeongin has to think about his other job as well. Cleaning-services during the week and then working at a club at the weekends? However, Chan seems happy about this choice so Jeongin does not want to spoil that for him. 

“Ah, I’m so sad that Chan isn’t here anymore,” Jamie sighs, watching over the cafe. 

“He’ll be back occasionally,” Jeongin comforts her, “That wasn’t his last time playing here.” 

His shift passes smoothly. There are left-overs from the sweet section, so the co-workers are allowed to take some with them. 

Jeongin is at home around half past ten but does not feel too tired, therefore, he decides to do some chores and cook something in case Chan returns home hungry. After finishing he sits on the couch with a cup of tea to zip through some channels on the television, killing the time and waiting for Chan.

He falls asleep without noticing but wakes up immediately when he hears the door clicking. He rubs his eyes and looks at his phone. It is nearly 2 o’clock in the morning. Slowly he stands up, turning off the television. “Hey, how was your first night?” he asks, yawning. Surprised, he catches Chan in his arms. “Huh?”

“It was great!” Chan loops his arms around Jeongin and kisses him. 

Jeongin can smell a hint of nicotine. “Did you smoke?”

“Yeah, some of the employees offered a cigarette. I thought that it was impolite to refuse.” Chan grimaces. “It really doesn't taste good.” 

Jeongin sighs and touches the heated cheek. “Wait, did you drink alcohol too?” 

Instantly Chan shakes his head. “It was just hot inside there. Too many people who were dancing. Ugh, whenever it gets stuffed I get a bit nervous and like really … cramped. But it became better after my break.” 

“Well, that’s cool,” Jeongin says, holding him by the hips, “Maybe you should go to sleep. It’s late.” 

Suddenly Chan’s face becomes a bit more thoughtful. “You know … it was fun tonight. But I don’t know if I want to keep doing this. It’s nice, but not …  _ the thing. _ ”

Jeongin hums, playing with one of Chan’s curls. “You can find out about that later. Keep trying and then we’ll see.”

“I like how you say ‘we’.” Chan smiles and plants kisses along Jeongin’s jawline. Out of the blue he gasps and starts rubbing his crotch against Jeongin’s thigh, whining quietly. 

“Hey, hey,” Jeongin tightens his grip on Chan’s waist, “What are you doing?” 

Chan sighs and presses himself against Jeongin. “Earlier I saw people making out in the club and realized that I missed you.” 

“And you need to show me that by humping my thigh? Not very smooth.” Jeongin lets go of him. “I brought some sweets. So if you don’t want to go to sleep you can eat them.” 

Enthusiastically Chan sprints into the kitchen. Jeongin follows him, shaking his head, a fond smile on his lips. Chan chooses chocolate cake and creates a little mess. Amused, Jeongin holds out a napkin, but instead of taking it Chan grabs Jeongin’s collar and pulls him down to kiss him, smearing chocolate all over his mouth.

“You’re so annoying, you know that?” Jeongin murmurs. Eventually he licks over Chan’s sweet lips, savouring the taste of chocolate mixed with Chan. The kiss is messy from the get go yet extremely addicting. 

Jeongin makes sure to clean Chan's mouth nicely with his tongue before basically attacking his neck and then his shoulders, which he exposes by dragging down Chan’s shirt roughly. In contrast to that his kisses are quite soft but still longing for more. He unbuttons Chan’s shirt, annoyed by his own impatience, but how could he resist Chan?

Chan moans as Jeongin sinks his teeth in his shoulder. After a bit of sucking a beautiful, red hickey blooms on his sensitive skin. Jeongin definitely wants to expand his masterpiece but the current position is getting uncomfortable, so he stands up and stretches a bit. 

Quickly Chan pulls him back into a warm hug. “Don’t you want to make love to me tonight?” he asks cheekily but also in a hopeful tone. 

Instead of answering, Jeongin kisses him again. Firmly he grabs the collar of Chan’s shirt to hoist him. “First of all, you should wash yourself. I don’t like the smell of cigarettes.”

They stumble towards the bathroom, undressing each other while making out (Jeongin trying to ignore the nicotine taste), not bothering about their clothes being spread around the whole flat. They step into the shower and then spend too much time messing around there. After a while they get some towels and change the setting to Jeongin’s bedroom. 

Chan begins to shiver since his skin is still a bit wet, not distracted by it too long since Jeongin presses him down into the mattress. The towel loosely hangs around Jeongin’s waist. 

“I lied,” Chan admits out of the sudden, his cheeks rosy, “I drank one beer.”

“I know. You’re bad at lying and I can literally smell it.” Jeongin proceeds to suck on his neck. “But you're okay, right?”

Chan wraps his arms around Jeongin’s head. “Yeah. My thoughts are clearing up. The shower has helped.” And he is just as horny as the moment he walked in. 

“You just needed that sort of confidence boost, right?” Jeongin teases him and licks his lips before his mouth brushes along Chan’s skin. 

“Kinda, yeah.” Chan chuckles, ruffling through Jeongin’s hair. He groans as he is bitten again, slowly growing impatient and tapping Jeongin’s arm.

“Don’t annoy me,” Jeongin warns him. 

Chan sighs, looking him into the eyes. “You keep teasing. What am I supposed to do?” 

Jeongin opens the towel around Chan’s waist and runs his hand along Chan’s chest, over his stomach before resting above his waistline. “You could just let me do the work,” he suggests, covering Chan’s crotch with his palm. He puts on a bit of pressure, observing Chan’s reaction. Chan angles his legs, grabbing a pillow to press it into his face.

“What are you doing?” Jeongin asks as he keeps moving his hand.

Chan’s noises are muffled because of the pillow, his knees shaking. Jeongin rolls his eyes and grabs the pillow to pull it away. It is a first to have Chan lying beneath him like that, basically served on a silver plate  —  a beautiful sight that Jeongin does not want to miss. 

“That’s what I said: You always hide.” Jeongin spits into his hand and then wraps it around Chan’s semi-hard dick. In a torturous pace he strokes over it, grinning at Chan’s wide eyes. Out of pity he moves his fingers faster, at least providing a bit of satisfaction, eventually leaning down and taking the tip between his lips. In contrast to Chan he has a pretty big mouth and it feels like he can swallow him easily.

Chan gasps, arching his back and whimpering at the overwhelming pace Jeongin sets. Chan likes giving head in a softer, slower way, but Jeongin is bopping his head up and down, his tongue running along the underside of Chan’s dick. At the tip he sucks strongly before sinking down again. 

Unwillingly Chan bucks his hips up, grabbing Jeongin’s hair to pull it a bit more harshly. “Wait, I’m about to come!” he pants.

Nevertheless, Jeongin keeps enveloping Chan’s dick with his mouth until Chan comes inside of it. Chan shakes uncontrollably before his hands fall off Jeongin’s hair. Jeongin withdraws and swallows everything, his Adam's apple moving visibly. 

Chan stares at him. “You just … how-” 

Jeongin laughs at his flustered reaction and kisses Chan’s knee. He travels down over his inner thigh, biting him teasingly. 

“I feel useless right now,” Chan mumbles.

Jeongin leans over to his bedside table to open the drawer. He throws the tube and a whole pack of condoms next to Chan. “Then you can finger yourself for me. I’m too lazy right now.” Besides, he has been pining for the opportunity to watch Chan stretching himself.

Chan blinks, surprised. He grabs the tube and spreads the liquid on his fingers. Curiously he rubs it between them as if he wanted to check the texture. He hesitates for a short moment as Jeongin eyes are glued on him, but then he lifts his hips to search for his entrance. He circles the fingertip around his rim before pushing in a bit, tensing up a bit, his legs already shaking from the position.

Jeongin helps him out by holding his thighs steady, looking down between them. Chan winces in embarrassment, sparking Jeongin’s lust even more, hesitantly working one finger inside of him. It does not take him long to add another one.

Jeongin has to smile at the adorable sight of Chan’s shorter fingers being shoved inside of him, feeling how his dick is getting harder.

“My wrist hurts,” Chan complains weakly, pulling his hand back. 

Jeongin takes the lube and pours it on his palm before spreading it. Then he pushes his index finger inside, making Chan squirm beneath him. “Already having trouble?” he asks, lifting his eyebrows.

Chan’s breathing gets erratic as Jeongin thrusts in and out steadily. After what feels like an eternity he uses two fingers to proceed. Chan tenses immediately, rolling his eyes back, his hand massaging his abdomen, trying to bring his breathing under control again. Jeongin smiles at his reaction, bursting out of proudness since he only uses his fingers and can make Chan fall apart just like that. He leans forward to kiss Chan’s chest, licking over one of Chan’s nipples before sucking on it. 

Chan whimpers at the different sensations. The heels of his feet gouge inside of the mattress just to slip away because of his sweat. With patience Jeongin continues his action until he has four fingers inside of him. 

Chan shivers at every thrust, babbling and making incomprehensible sounds. Desperately he grabs the sheets, basically choking on air. “Stop teasing,” he complains with a strained voice.

“Excuse me? Let me introduce some manners to you, sir,” Jeongin says with a little smirk on his face as he pushes his fingers in particularly hard. Chan flinches at the force, squeezing his legs together and biting his lower lip in an attempt to suppress his whines. 

“So?” Jeongin now stops the motion.

Chan groans and leans his head back. “Could you … stop?”

“Your instructions aren’t very clear, you know that, right?”

Chan hides his face behind his hands. “Please,” he mumbles. His moaning voice is small and soft, his eyes peeking between his shaking fingers. 

Jeongin has no other choice than following his silent request because Chan seems incapable of explaining any of his wishes right now. Besides, Jeongin is so turned on that he barely has a grip on his self-control anyway. His fingers are slippery from the big amount of lube he used, so he lets Chan open the package. 

It is cute how Chan fumbles clumsily with it. That is when Jeongin realizes that he may never even have opened a condom. Maybe he did in a sex education class, but not in the actual situation, but Jeongin does not dare to ask out of fear that it would seem like mocking, although he feels the complete opposite: The fact that Chan wants to share this special experience with him makes his heart explode.

“Do you want to put it on?” Jeongin suggests softly.

Chan looks at him surprised, hesitating for a moment but then nodding. 

“Hold the tip to squeeze out the air,” Jeongin reminds him. 

The condom slips from Chan’s fingers the first time, and he murmurs apologies, searching for it. So far the only light source has been coming from the outside, so it is a bit hard to see in here. Jeongin wants to turn on the lamp but bumps his head against Chan’s. 

“Sorry!” Chan squeaks. Then he climbs over Jeongin after spotting the condom, nearly hitting Jeongin with his elbow.

Jeongin laughs and holds him down. “It's okay.” Then he grabs the condom and hands it over. 

“Sorry for being so … awkward,” Chan whispers sheepishly. 

But Jeongin finds it cute, unbearingly cute. He leans forward, glimpsing to the left and right as if he wanted to check his surroundings (because it is obviously very likely that somebody is eavesdropping. Sure thing.) “A little secret,” he murmurs with a heavy tone before exhaling. “I’m pretty nervous.” He laughs at Chan’s confused face.

Chan chuckles. “Yeah, okay, good to know.” 

Jeongin holds his small hands steady while Chan slips down the condom. He is still jittery, shaking a bit, but his shoulders are less tense. “Uh …” Chan hugs himself, clasping his fingers around his wounds. “You really don’t mind them? We can turn off the lights if you want to.”

Jeongin frowns. “You’re so beautiful to look at. Why the fuck would I turn off the lights?” 

Relieved, Chan sighs.

“Why do you keep asking?” Jeongin pulls Chan close and kisses along his collarbones, sucking on them to leave some hickeys. Again he slips a finger inside of Chan just to make sure that he is still relaxed enough. 

Chan tenderly moans at the sensation. “I-It’s …” He gulps and turns his head aside. “It’s not like it hasn’t happened before.” 

“What do you mean?” Jeongin mumbles against Chan’s red skin. 

“People are shocked at … the cuts. My other partners lost interest in sleeping with me when-” Chan stops talking. “Forget it.”

Jeongin looks at him. “People are stupid.” He presses his mouth on Chan’s, keeping him shut. Eagerly he sucks on his bottom lip before dipping into the warmth of Chan’s mouth. Without losing contact he moves to the headboard of the bed to lean against it. 

Chan follows his guide blindly and sits on his thighs, his hands traveling along Jeongin's arms, squeezing the firm muscles. "You're so strong."

"Well, I have to carry heavy stuff all day," Jeongin mumbles, thinking about all the boxes and heavy trays filled. He licks into Chan’s mouth, sucking on his tongue and grabbing his butt, cooing at the softness and digging his fingernails lightly in it. Chan moans in response and lifts himself up to steady himself by holding onto Jeongin's shoulder. 

Jeongin presses the tip of his cock against Chan’s rim, waiting for some sort of confirmation. "You ready?" he asks when Chan just stares back at him.

"Whenever you are," Chan replies with a slight grin, sinking down, gasping at the feeling and scratching Jeongin's shoulder. Minutes pass before he keeps going, taking more inch by inch. He kisses Jeongin to distract himself from the burn and bites his lower lip as the stretch makes him jerk a bit. 

"Don't rush." 

"My legs feel weak." 

Jeongin grabs his hips tighter to help Chan to sink down at a slower pace, breathing shakily. Time passes differently in this state  — he counts how many times Chan inhales, he concentrates on the heat, he reads the tempo he should go within Chan’s eyes.

Chan now fully sits on his lap, his ears, cheeks, shoulders and chest red. He scrunches his face as he tries to raise up again. Jeongin stops him and intertwines their fingers, sharing a longing, sweet kiss with Chan before breathing into his ear in a regular pattern, trying to stabilize Chan’s breathing as well.

Chan holds Jeongin's face and moves a little bit back and forth. "Shit, I'm going to burst," he groans, grabbing Jeongin's hair.

"If you keep being so damn impatient then that’s very likely to happen." Jeongin forces him to sit still a little longer. 

Chan wiggles a bit on his lap, but lets Jeongin hold him. He closes his eyes, putting his head on Jeongin’s shoulder and taking some deep breaths. Then he puts his hands against Jeongin’s chest. "It's okay now." 

Jeongin lets go of him, watching how Chan is trying to move, a bit uncoordinated and insecure. But at least it does not seem to hurt that much anymore because the first pleased sound slips from him when he lifts himself up and sinks down again. 

Jeongin moans, grabbing Chan’s ass as Chan repeats the movement, eventually circling his hips a bit. Every time he sinks down again, panting, his curls bounce a little bit.

"Exhausted already?" Jeongin teases and captures Chan’s open mouth. He thrusts up, eliciting a choked moan, before setting a steady rhythm for his thrusts, swallowing Chan’s sweet sounds. 

Chan whines as his pelvic muscles contract suddenly, whimpering helplessly, his lips as read as his face. Jeongin then realizes that he hit his sensitive spot, putting an arm around Chan’s waist and squeezing Chan's nipple with his free hand. He tries to aim for his prostate again, marveling at Chan’s overwhelmed face.

Chan suppresses a high whine, scratching Jeongin's chest. There is no strength left in his legs, so Jeongin basically throws him on the back. Chan looks up, reaching out to touch Jeongin’s face in such a loving way that Jeongin could melt any second. Jeongin pushes Chan's knees apart and leans down to kiss over the scars and wounds like a soft breeze, causing goosebumps on Chan’s legs.

"Don't," Chan whispers and gasps. 

"Alright, sorry." Jeongin sits up again and pushes in. 

Chan whimpers at the new position, shoving his feet over the mattress. Jeongin grabs them and lifts them up a bit, scooting closer with his hands sliding down until they rest on Chan’s thighs. "You look so good taking dick," he sputters.

Chan's jaw drops. "I … why would you say this?" He moans louder as Jeongin pushes deeper inside. 

"Why not? Can’t take some praise?" Jeongin smirks, running his fingertips over Chan's stomach. "You're all red right now. How adorable." He stresses the last statement with precise thrusts. 

Chan cries out at the sudden force, hiding his embarrassed face in the crook of his arm. Immediately Jeongin grabs his wrist and pins it down. "No, I want to see your face when you’re taking me so well." He breathes against Chan’s lips, only teasing him.

Chan pleads for a kiss but Jeongin continues pounding into him, a teasing grin on his face. He fuels Chan’s anticipation for a kiss multiple times just to back off the last second. Pure instincts take over as he just fucks Chan into the mattress, which in turn makes the bed creak and shake. Chan holds onto Jeongin’s biceps and whines.

"What? Did you say something?"

Chan pants, looking at him with lost eyes, not able to form proper sentences. He tries to push his legs together from being too sensitive, but Jeongin has his knees in a strong grip, spreading them even further apart. Smoothly he slides in and out, observing the explosion of emotions on Chan's features with satisfaction.

Loud moans just as the smacking of their skin fills the room, thickening the air, Jeongin enjoying the taste of it on his tongue every time he moans. He wraps his hand around Chan's dick to jerk him off, not having mercy with the speed and causing Chan to come without a warning, his load mostly landing on himself. 

"Keep going if you want to," Chan whispers with a fading voice as Jeongin is about to pull out. 

Jeongin gazes at him with pure admiration before leaning down to kiss him sloppily with a lot of tongue. His hips move sharper, pushing forward as much as they can. Chan inhales sharply, shutting his eyes and lying there, pliant and spread open all for Jeongin.

Jeongin has had many orgasms in his life and he did have some good sex, but this right here is just so different, an exhilarating feeling vibrating  in his stomach as he anticipates his climax. Then suddenly he spills into the condom, experiencing his high with his entire being, much like cresting over the top of a high roller coaster, and about to scream when he feels like falling.  He shivers under the blast of tingling sensations, burying his fingers into the sheets, and then basically falling on top of Chan, breathing frantically. 

They stay in this position, Chan stroking through Jeongin’s hair. "You're all sticky because of me," he murmurs. 

"I don't care." After another few minutes Jeongin straightens up and pulls out. Then he pushes the flat side of his tongue against Chan's clenching rim. "Next time I'm going to come inside of you,” he promises before blowing at Chan’s entrance. 

Chan whines, turning away. Jeongin laughs, rolls off the condom and knots it before tossing it to the bin. Then he grabs a box of wet tissues to clean both of them, his hands shaking from the cold which comes with the adrenaline in his body fading away. He takes the blanket and lays down, waiting until Chan has found a comfortable position in his arms. Soon they both are tucked in the comfortness of his bed.

"How are you feeling?” Chan asks. 

"I feel good. Great.  _ Awesome."  _ Jeongin clears his throat, pulling Chan closer. "What 'bout you?" 

Chan smiles, draping a leg over Jeongin’s hips. "Yeah, I'm good. It was good." He sucks on Jeongin's jaw softly, leaving tiny marks. "I'm just sorry for that." He caresses the scratches on Jeongin's chest.

"I think that little share of pain is just fair."

Chan laughs, taking Jeongin’s hand (Jeongin can basically fit Chan’s whole hand between his thumb and index finger, and it drives him  _ insane _ ). "It was still good despite the pain." He seems extra cuddly as he keeps squishing his cheek against Jeongin's side, his eyelids fluttering like the wings of a butterfly. Jeongin turns off the light and closes his eyes, ready to glide into sleep. 

Chan sighs and shifts a bit. "Is it weird that I can’t imagine a life without you?" he murmurs into the darkness.

Jeongin wonders if Chan is saying this because they both just had sex. He remembers this kind of super emotional phase after Jisung's first time. Jisung felt like he had given a bit of himself to another person, and at this point he could have not imagined to be with somebody else ever again. After his first break up he was completely destroyed. 

That may appear as dramatic but Jeongin can kind of understand that sort of feeling. He had a similar thing with his first (and only) girlfriend. It was not as horrible for him as for Jisung, however, he knows where this mindset is coming from.

In every other case he would have said that Chan should save his words for later. That it is too early to confess this type of feeling. That they are not ready to say something so meaningful. But the thing is: Jeongin feels the same. His emotions have been strong all the way long and after having slept with Chan he feels that sort of connection an incredibly intimate way. 

He wraps his arm closer around Chan and kisses over his face. "No. I feel the same about you," he confesses.

Chan gazes up and smiles, a bit incredulous. "Really?" he mutters, chuckling softly and hiding his face in Jeongin's arm.

"Yeah, really." Jeongin's voice nearly breaks. 

Chan kisses Jeongin's cool skin with his puffy lips. "Can I keep sleeping here?" 

Jeongin laughs huskily. "Sure. We could turn your room into a studio so you can work better on your music." 

Chan sighs, tracing his fingers along Jeongin's bare chest. "You're so perfect," he says in a sincere tone. 

Jeongin is certainly not but Chan makes him feel invincible nonetheless.


	5. Losing Control

Jeongin has never had that pleasant experience of waking up next to the person he spent the night with  — because obviously people just leave after occasional hook-ups. The sun tickles his nose until he opens his eyes, groaning when he realizes that his arm has fallen asleep because of Chan’s head resting on it, but the sight makes it worth it: Chan curled up in a ball, snoring softly, his face peaceful. 

As Jeongin shifts slightly Chan opens his eyes. “Sorry,” Jeongin whispers.

“No, it’s okay. I’ve been awake for a while,” Chan obviously lies, rising a little bit up to lean over Jeongin, “and now I feel like having a cup of coffee.” He grins. 

“Alright,” Jeongin replies, yawning before pulling back the blanket to stand up, gazing at the clock on the bedside table. “Oh, it’s nearly noon.” He frowns. “Wait, when’s Changbin going to be here?”

The next second the doorbell rings. 

Both look at each other, shocked. Chan wants to rush out of bed as quickly as possible but the soreness snaps through his lower body, causing him to squirm and holding his back helplessly. 

“Wait, let me get it.” Jeongin opens his closet to grab one of his baggy sweatpants. The doorbell rings again, almost impatiently. “One moment!” he yells, stumbling across the bedroom, “you uh … just go to the bathroom or- yeah.  _ Yeah _ .” Helplessly, he waves with his hands, trying to show Chan what to do because his mouth just stops working, but he gives up when Chan just stares back at him, frowning. 

Jeongin then leaves the room and rushes to the front door. He looks through the judas hole to check whether it is really Changbin, hoping that it is the postman, but nope, it is a very suspicious, impatient Changbin, who keeps hitting the bell.

Jeongin has no other choice than to open the door. He tries to come off as confident as possible, although he knows that his hair is a mess, his chest is scratched and basically everything about his appearance speaks for the “I railed my boyfriend last night and had plenty of fun with that”-look.

Changbin blinks in confusion. “Sorry, Chan said that I could come around midday and …”

“No! It’s fine!” Jeongin says immediately, looking at the boxes in Changbin’s hands.

Awkwardly, Changbin lifts them a bit up. “Yeah, I thought I could bring pizza because yeah … I assumed you guys wouldn't have time to cook if I came a bit earlier.”

“Oh yeah, yeah … that’s nice.” Jeongin steps aside. “Come in.” He rubs his eyes and realizes with a low groan that their clothes are scattered on the floor. 

Changbin looks around, blushing. It only gets worse when the door of Jeongin’s room opens with a soft click, Chan sidling into the corridor and freezing as he sees Changbin  — maybe he hoped to be kind of invisible. 

“Hey, Binnie" he greets, coughing awkwardly, “I’ll just …” He points to the bathroom.

“Yeah, yeah.” Changbin’s eyes are basically glued on the countless hickeys around Chan’s pale neck and shoulders, also not missing the way Chan slightly limps into the bathroom. (He is  _ really _ trying to walk as normally as possible.)

In the meantime Jeongin collects their clothes to throw them into the laundry basket next to the door of his room. “I was about to make coffee. Do you want some?” he offers, ignoring that it is not even morning. 

Changbin nods and follows Jeongin into the kitchen. He sits down at the table, looking around. “Your home's nice.”

“Thanks.” Jeongin is still trying to overshadow his embarrassment by focusing on brewing the coffee, which he then pours it into three mugs. He sets two of them on the table, not brave enough to sit with Changbin, so he leans against the counter, sipping his hot, bitter mind-calmer.

“You know,” Changbin starts talking, “I would’ve never thought that you two would just go all in.”

Jeongin nearly chokes and starts coughing violently.

“He’s very self-conscious about his wounds,” Changbin says, ignoring the fact that Jeongin nearly died because of his rushed caffeine intake, “I hope that you’ll research a bit more to treat him right. Sometimes it’s complicated.”

Jeongin remains silent. Research? He has done that a bit, but it is scary to dive into that kind of topic. Moreover, he is not sure how triggering it could be for Chan to talk about  _ this _ . 

“You can ask me for help too,” Changbin offers, "And yeah … sorry for being an asshole. I can see that you want to do things right."

“... thanks. You just wanted to protect him. I understand that.” 

Chan enters the kitchen and hugs Changbin. “Good to see you.” Then he goes over to Jeongin and wraps his arms around his neck, going slightly on his tippy toes to peck his mouth. “You can use the bathroom now,” he whispers, his cheeks still red from embarrassment. 

When Jeongin steps out of the bathroom, the doorbell rings again. “Nice, you guys have pizza!” is Jisung’s first statement after the door has been opened. Then he falls into Jeongin’s arms before greeting Chan and Changbin.

They sit in the living room to talk and eat. Surprisingly, Jisung and Changbin develop a good dynamic rather quickly, making it easy to get involved into a conversation with them. (Jisung is just as much of a music maniac as Chan and Changbin, so maybe Jeongin should have figured that out sooner.)

Jisung munches his slice of pizza happily, swallowing loudly and then turning to Chan. “So, how is it to live with Jeongin? Have you guys already fought?” Jeongin punches Jisung’s shoulder.

Chan laughs, leaning back against Changbin. “No. We’re very peaceful and calm, I’d say. I don’t like to be aggressive.”

“Those marks say otherwise,” Changbin teases.

Chan throws a pillow into his face as he starts blushing. “Shut up!”

“No waaay,” Jisung chirps, “I want to know everything, Innie!”

Jeongin grimaces. “You’re so gross.” They keep bickering and chatting and to him it feels like they have been doing this their whole life time. 

* * *

Chan and Jeongin are busier, more than ever because Jeongin’s exams are about to start and Chan has begun to audition again (but without sending free tracks for promotion). Since the days are becoming even colder the cafe is almost always full, which leads to Chan showing up less because crowds make him a bit nervous, and he has to do his cleaning services at the music entertainment anyway. 

It is bad timing. After their first time having sex they yearn for each other pretty much like horny teenagers, Chan making it worse with teasing Jeongin all the time, silently pleading for attention.

Jeongin gets it. Actually, he feels like it has been his first time as well and now he wants to have his hands on Chan every minute, but at the same time he cannot just ignore his studies. 

Friday night both of them are sitting on the couch, rapt in their own work, Jeongin leaning against the armrest, holding his study papers in front of his face, with Chan nestled between his legs. Chan has his headphones on to avoid disturbing Jeongin with his work  — a cute sight from behind, his curls bouncing as he nods with the beat. 

After scrolling through endless paragraphs, Jeongin cannot look at his papers without feeling like the words would run away from him any second, so he throws his materials on the table and wraps his arms around Chan’s waist. Smiling, Chan puts down the headphones and turns his head around to kiss Jeongin’s cheek. 

“How is it going?” Jeongin asks him.

“I’ll never get rid of that question, right? I always do the same thing. Why do you keep asking?” Chan giggles leaning over to set his laptop on the table next to Jeongin’s papers. “I thought about giving a live show tomorrow.”

“That makes you more of a performer-DJ, right? I thought you would only select songs.”

Chan leans his head against Jeongin’s shoulder. “Yeah, but I played some of my own tracks and my boss likes them, so he decided to give me some freedom.”

“That sounds like a nice boss,” Jeongin says, a bit surprised.

“I know! It’s a good change.” Chan closes his eyes and sighs, satisfied. He still has trouble with sleeping but overall he seems happier … hopeful. “Do you want to come to my performance tomorrow? Changbin will be there too.”

“Sure.” Jeongin nuzzles his nose into Chan’s neck, rubbing Chan’s belly soothingly. “You should stop working for today and go to bed, though. It’s getting late.” 

Chan hums, scooting back so Jeongin’s hand slips into his waistband.

“What are you doing?” Jeongin asks, sighing.

“Getting comfortable. I don’t want to sleep. I want to cuddle.” He clasps both of his hands around Jeongin's fingers, spreading them and playing with Jeongin’s rings. He ends up kissing them, slowly sliding down until he wraps his lips around Jeongin’s fingertips. 

Jeongin hisses before putting his mouth on Chan’s neck, finding it beautiful how Chan tilts his head to basically invite him, enthralled by the way Chan breathes in a mix of a half-moan and a sigh, lovely and yet excited.

Slowly Jeongin traces his hand along Chan’s stomach before slipping under his waistband to tease Chan just a bit, pressing the palm of his hand against Chan’s crotch. Chan arches his back, pressing his butt against the forming bulge inside of Jeongin’s pants, his neck already red. 

They just sit there for a while, riling each other up, playing around and sharing some wet kisses. They act like time does not exist, using that freedom to be kind and slow about every action. In the end they are both too tired to actually reach their orgasms, deciding to go to bed instead. There, Jeongin just talks quietly until Chan falls asleep, the rhythm of Chan’s breathing guiding him into ease as well.

* * *

When Jeongin arrives at the club the room is  _ stuffed _ , the air full of chatter, laughing and the smell of people dancing way too close. He checks his wristwatch again and sighs in relief because he made it in time. He looks around the full club, moving forward along the bar, squeezing his eyes as if this helped. 

Then he spots Chan, who is standing on stage and jumping with the massive beat. It is incredibly loud and steamy in here, therefore, Jeongin feels pretty lost, unable to move any further because most of the crowd is gathered around the stage. He almost suffers from a heart attack when somebody grabs his shoulder. Quickly he turns around to Hyunjin. 

"What are you doing here?" he screams over the music. 

"Chan's invited us."

_ Us? _

"We're at a table at the front. It's reserved for our group." Hyunjin grabs his arm to guide him through the dancing crowd. At the right side of the stage there are multiple round tables with black couches, two of them occupied by their group. 

As Jeongin comes closer he identifies the individual frames, realizing that Felix is sitting in Minho's lap, Jisung is cheering with the music and Changbin and Seungmin are talking to each other. Why did Chan not mention that he had invited their friends as well? Hesitantly Jeongin lets Hyunjin pull him down onto one of the couches. 

“Why are you looking at us like we were aliens?” Minho mocks him and takes a sip from a crystal blue drink. 

“I didn’t expect to see you guys here,” Jeongin admits, a bit overwhelmed because the group seems so … harmonious. It is a stark contrast to their meeting at the restaurant (but maybe it is the influence of alcohol). 

“It’s Channie’s live performance, so of course we’re here.” Minho leans back, looking at the stage.

Chan is obviously having a good time there, hyping up the crowd and blasting various songs. The job fits him because his presence can influence the mood in a room tremendously, but that is nothing new to Jeongin.

The group's conversation is messy and jumps back and forth between various topics, nobody intending to be too serious. They just babble a lot to fill the time with stupid jokes and laughters. Frankly, Jeongin starts enjoying himself and drinks even a cocktail, although he is not a big fan of those (there is a reason why he is specialized in coffee). 

Finally Chan announces his performance. The audience seems to love him since they cheer and wait excitedly for the upcoming stage. Chan, then, plugs in his electrical guitar. Jeongin noticed a few days ago that Chan had added a lot of scribbles and doodles to his turquoise instrument. He seems to like graffiti, his handwriting fitting so prettily on his guitar.

Chan hangs his guitar around his shoulder and then starts playing the track from his laptop. He strums a few opening chords before continuing with fingerstyle. He practiced so much over the past days that Jeongin believes he has gotten significantly better just from this one week. 

Astonished, he observes how Chan is accompanied by his own track, which has a very fierce, strong sound. Chan playing along to it seems so right, although Jeongin mostly knows his soft compositions he played at the cafe. 

“Damn, your boyfriend has some serious skills,” Hyunjin says, heavily impressed by the variations of techniques Chan uses in his guitar solo. Chan returns back to chords, stepping to the microphone at the front. Then he opens his mouth and starts singing. 

Jeongin’s heart drops simultaneously with the screaming of the crowd, everyone wanting to listen to those raw vocals. Chan has his eyes closed as his fingers travel effortlessly over the strings, having so much presence that the air is knocked out of Jeongin’s lungs. The colours around Chan seem to become more radiant and vivid as he sinks further into the music. 

Perhaps Jeongin should change his opinion. Music does love Chan just as much as Chan loves music. 

When Chan is finished the crowd bursts out loud cheering. Two other tracks follow and they both have a wild vibe, however, the patterns and the intentions of the songs are very individual. Still, there is a certain sound in there which makes it so … Chan.

“Thank you so much!” Chan waves happily after finishing. Then he picks music from his playlist again to keep the crowd going, his cheeks flushed and a bright smile covering his face  —  it is this moment when Jeongin exactly understands why Chan has not quit on music yet. 

Later Chan comes down from the stage as another person takes his position as a DJ. Happy, he staggers towards his friends, places his laptop next to Jeongin on the couch and leans his guitar against the table. “How did you like it?” he asks him, sinking into Jeongin’s arms. 

“You were amazing,” Jeongin praises him, holding him tightly and the proud feeling washing over his whole body. “Never heard you singing like that.”

“Well, there’s a first for everything,” Chan chuckles and kisses him. (It is the way he closes his eyes during the kiss that makes Jeongin’s heart helplessly  _ stutter. _ ) “Oh, and thanks that you guys could make it.”

“Yeah, of course. That was awesome!” Hyunjin says, “we should hang out together more often. It’s really nice.”

“It is,” Changbin confirms, “and you were really good on stage.” 

Suddenly somebody clears their throat, drawing everybody’s attention to them. It is an older man who wears rather casual clothes  — jeans and a plain turtleneck  —  but Jeongin notices the jewelry around his neck and on his fingers (and not forget that big ass rolex around his wrist). “I saw your performance. It was exceptional.”

Surprised, Chan looks at him. “Thank you.” He smiles brightly. 

The man pulls out a card and hands it over. “You have some potential, so call me if you’re interested.” Without further ado he nods as a goodbye and then disappears in the crowd again.

“What was that?” Jisung says, irritated.

Chan frowns and leans back against Jeongin as he inspects the card. 

Jeongin looks over his shoulder before his eyes widens. “That dude’s from a music entertainment,” he sputters. 

“Wait, really?!” Immediately Changbin scoots forward and snaps the card out of Chan's hand. He flips it and lets his eyes basically fly over the letters. “This business card addresses performers.” 

“Performers? But I’m a producer.” Chan furrows his brow, taking the business card back. 

“He probably saw some serious performer potential there.” Changbin grins. “That’s so cool.” It seems like he is about to flutter his hands around out of excitement. “Chan, you got basically  _ invited _ to an audition by a CEO! That’s fucking awesome." 

Chan still seems hesitant. “But … I don’t know if I can do this. Being on stage is fun but doing it as a career? I want to sell productions and be credited on the backside of an album, not stand in the middle of spotlights. That’s not my thing.”

“You can’t know that,” Minho argues, “You’ve never auditioned in another section than producing.” He gasps and grins. “Just imagine. You could be an idol.”

“That’s fucking nuts.” Chan looks up at Jeongin. “What do you think?”

Jeongin sees the struggle in Chan’s eyes, his thoughts rotating violently. Chan being an idol. What would do that to their relationship? He shakes his head lightly. No. That is egoistic. He needs to think about Chan first. It might be his destiny. Or not. Chan is not sure about it himself. So being a bit on the negative side does not do harm. But should he not be encouraging as his partner? 

“Jeongin?” Chan snaps in front of his eyes. “I asked you a question.”

“Right. Sorry.” Jeongin blinks and bites his lower lip. “You know … maybe you should try it. Maybe he’ll let you work in the producers' section after all. And if you really don’t like it you can still drop out before signing a contract.” He wraps his arms protectively around Chan’s waist and pulls him closer. “Tell me what you think you are.”

“An unlicensed producer,” Chan replies. 

“You say that as a joke,” Jeongin claims, “tell me what you  _ really _ think.”

Chan taps his chin, humming. He shrugs slightly, tilting his head. “I think I’m a musician.” 

Jeongin smiles. “Well, then  _ I  _ think that you should take any opportunity regarding music. There are many ways to be happy.” 

“That’s a good answer,” Changbin comments. 

Chan frowns but eventually nods. “Yeah, maybe you’re right.” 

* * *

“Have you ever considered seeing a therapist?” The question has been sitting on Jeongin’s tongue heavily for the past hour. He really does not want to disturb Chan in his workflow, but he spent several hours researching for mental health care yesterday, and at some point he has to burst. He simply has to. 

Chan stops working, looking up. “Huh?”

“I mean …” Jeongin coughs. “Just … in case. If you need someone to talk to.”

Chan smiles. “But I talk to you.” He does. Chan has become a lot more open about his feelings and tells Jeongin whenever he feels sad, uncomfortable or anxious. It feels reassuring that they bond through cooking, going outside and drinking coffee way too late on their couch, talking for hours. But of course they cannot tell  _ everything _ to each other. That will never be possible and it has its purpose. 

“Yeah, you do. But talking to someone professional may be good for a different insight, you know, because that person’s more objective.”

“So you’re telling me that you lie?” Chan teases him.

Jeongin groans  — s ometimes Chan is really a plague. "No, I'm just saying that it may be good for you to talk to someone who isn't your boyfriend."

Chan pouts. "But I like talking to you." He leans over his papers again, trying to come up with a melody. He taps on the edge of his table, humming various possibilities to continue. 

Jeongin sits down behind him and looks over his shoulder to eye the papers. "You have been sitting on that for hours. Take a break." 

"Nooo, I'm nearly finished!" Chan says, chewing on his pencil. 

"You're taking a break _ now _ ." Jeongin takes his pencil and throws it away. 

"You're so mean," Chan complains just to gasp the next second as Jeongin presses him down on the table. 

"Well, maybe you should take a closer look at your work if you want to be faster." 

Chan sighs as his cheek is squished against the wooden surface. "That’s not how it works." 

"Don't you say." With a grin Jeongin hovers over him, breathing against his skin, his movements as tenacious as honey as he keeps teasing Chan before finally pressing his mouth against Chan’s hot neck. Chan gasps, pushing his hips back just to be stopped. 

"Don't move." Jeongin's fingers pull up the hem of Chan’s black hoodie and find their ways up along his spine. 

"You're insatiable," Chan huffs, amused. 

Jeongin blushes, but luckily Chan cannot see it. "Maybe." His hands sneak to the front of Chan's waist to open his pants. "I'm just trying to give you a break from work." 

"So what are you gonna do? Fuck me on my papers?" Chan laughs. 

"Doesn't sound too bad," Jeongin replies sternly and he can hear how Chan swallows heavily. 

So far they had sex only in their beds, so the new setting tingles some excitement in Jeongin. It might become a very uncomfortable fuck, however, he is horny and he likes the way Chan is bent over. Of course it is nice to look at Chan’s face but it is also nice to inspire the muscles on his back, the soft swell of his love handles and his round, squishy bum. 

Jeongin pulls down Chan’s pants and underwear, shifting forward again until he can lay down on Chan. Without saying anything he holds his fingers against Chan’s plush mouth, forcing it to open. Chan eagerly sucks on Jeongin's fingers, covering it with a lot of saliva and moaning as he feels how Jeongin is grinding against his butt. Whimpering, he clutches his hands on the table, waiting impatiently.

Since he is loose from last night Jeongin hopes that spit is enough to finger him open. Chan exhales as a finger enters him but he does not show a strong sign of discomfort. To be honest, he just has a high tolerance of pain, or perhaps his trust in Jeongin causes him to relax endlessly, making the slide easy. So Jeongin keeps opening him up with a lot of care despite his harsh grip on Chan's waist. 

"Just do it," Chan whines. 

"Who are you calling insatiable now?" Jeongin fumbles in his pockets for a condom but Chan stops him. 

"Don't waste time. We're both tested. Stop teasing me.” Frustrated Chan nearly bangs his forehead against the wood. 

"Maybe because I like how you beg for it?" Jeongin snickers.

"I can't take you anymore." 

"That's sad because we're just about to get started." Jeongin continues to thrust his fingers into Chan until he feels that the muscle is relaxed enough. He grabs one of Chan's arms, guiding his tip to Chan’s entrance with his other hand before pushing inside.

Moaning at the stretch, Chan presses himself against the table, panting as Jeongin's are pressed against his butt. Jeongin gives him a bit more time, only moving a bit to test the limits. He pulls at Chan’s hoodie and starts biting and sucking on Chan’s neck, hickeys starting to flourish like red petals on the milky skin. Jeongin feels like watering them by leaving wet kisses on Chan’s warm, smooth neck.

Chan whines, feeling Jeongin hit deeper inside with every thrust, his knees already burning from the friction which is caused by jolting back and forth on the floor. Spit runs down from the corner of his mouth, smearing the sheets beneath his cheek with wetness. "My papers," he mumbles and whimpers because of Jeongin's sudden grip on his hips, the mugs on the table clinking from the way Jeongin is pounding into Chan. Usually he is a lot more patient but right now he wants Chan to know that he is losing control.

Chan helplessly searches on the table for any kind of hold and, surprisingly, he has enough strength to elevate himself up on his forearms. He gazes at his crumpled papers with a frown. "That bar isn't right. The notes don't fit in," he realizes and shrieks as Jeongin thrusts in particularly sharply. 

"You're unbelievable. Forget your stupid work." Jeongin sucks on Chan’s neck again, a bit mad that Chan refuses to blend out his responsibilities, although he should just focus on the way Jeongin tries to hit him in the best angles possible. 

Jeongin grabs his butt and leaves crescent-shaped marks with his fingernails. It is simply breathtaking to have Chan pliant and obedient like this, a fairly huge difference to his confident attitude he has whenever he works, goes out or talks to his friends. Now he shifts on the floor not able to contain his shaky noises. 

Jeongin pulls back and helps him to get up and turn around. Chan’s eyes are watery and drool is running down his chin. Embarrassed, he wipes it away and falls down onto the couch, rubbing his eyes with his sweater paws. 

Jeongin groans. "I want to eat you, I swear." 

"No, don't eat me!" 

The sincere tone makes Jeongin laugh. He settles down between Chan's legs, his pants hanging around his ankles (but he cannot care less). At least, he gets rid of his shirt since it is becoming hot, hence Chan wants to shuffle out of his hoodie as well but Jeongin stops him. 

"No, we're not gonna undress." 

"But you just did!" 

Jeongin smirks, hooking Chan's legs over his shoulder. "Yeah, I guess I did." He knows that it is not a good reply but he sinks into Chan again and fucks any argument out of him anyway.

Chan uses his puffy sleeves to cover his face but Jeongin swats his hands away, so he presses his hands against his covered chest as he throws his head back, the hoodie heating him up like crazy.

Jeongin knows that he hits Chan's sweet spot every time Chan rolls his eyes back. He leans forward and latches their mouths, eagerly sucking on Chan's tongue and then groaning into the known, alluring warmth. 

Chan grabs his neck, looking at Jeongin with attentive eyes, pleading and adoring at the same time. Jeongin is pretty sure that at this point it does not matter how tight Chan is and how good it feels to thrust in and out. Chan's overwhelmed face, his swollen lips, his teary eyes and how his sweater paws keep stroking Jeongin’s hands is what Jeongin _ really _ gets off to. 

Chan trembles uncontrollably as his sweet spot is massaged over and over again, lifting his hoodie to let some air hit his heated body, his stomach pretty red and clenching with every thrust. By now he is too far gone, too exhausted and too hot. He just sits there, taking everything, not even ashamed about not being able to move his hips along to Jeongin's. 

Jeongin lets his eyes travel over Chan, his gaze darkening, before he kisses Chan’s red mouth surprisingly softly. "I love you," he whispers. He leans back, looking at Chan again, taking in this beautiful sight which is only meant for him. "I love you," he repeats, his voice clearer now. 

Chan opens his mouth in shock as his eyes grow to the size of melons. He twitches and mewls before arching his back as a series of uncontrollable muscle contractions cause his body to shake violently. 

Jeongin notices the warm wetness between them and stares down. "Holy shit,” he murmurs, realizing that Chan came untouched, which has, by the way, never happened before. "Did you just come because of-"

Chan whimpers, holding onto Jeongin and crying into his shoulder. "I love you too," he sobs, crushed by the explosion of endorphins in his body. 

Jeongin blinks a bit surprised and then wraps an arm around him. He kisses Chan’s head and starts moving again, slowly but with intensity. "You're so adorable, I swear," he chuckles and scrunches his face as his orgasm builds up. 

Chan is writhing beneath Jeongin, pulling him deeper by wrapping his legs around his waist. With a low moan Jeongin spills inside of Chan and stays like this for a while, grasping the intensity of his climax, which radiates fireworks from his abdomen through his whole body. He peppers Chan's neck with sweet kisses, eventually moving a bit and feeling his sperm inside of Chan, who protests with a soft moan. 

Jeongin stops, leans back and then kisses the tears on Chan’s cheeks away. "Are you okay?" 

Chan nods tenderly before pressing his mouth against Jeongin's. "Please, never leave me," he mumbles.

"I won't", Jeongin says without any hesitation, "but we still have to clean up." He pulls out and looks at the sperm which floods out of Chan. He decides to clean it by eating him out, so he takes a pillow to place his knees onto it. 

It is messy yet very lovely how Jeongin flicks his tongue against Chan's hole or tickles it just to follow up by sucking with intensity. Chan wraps his legs around Jeongin's head to hold him tightly, every whimper breathless and full of want. After finishing both of them shower. 

"I think I can end the song now," Chan sighs, leaning into the water jet.

Jeongin smiles triumphantly. "See? Sometimes you need a break to fuel your creativity." 

They let time be while they are standing under the water, washing each other’s bodies with care. There is no sexual intent to it, just Jeongin's hands on Chan's body and vice versa, creating the feeling of home. 

* * *

Jeongin polishes the piano when Seungmin approaches him. "Are you alright?" 

"Yeah."

"You've been cleaning that one spot for ten minutes."

Jeongin stops and steps back, feeling like an absolute idiot. “Hm, yeah.” He turns around to face Seungmin. “Today is Chan’s audition and … I’m nervous. I just keep thinking if he can really stay with me and pursue his dreams.”

“Of course he can,” Seungmin says, “I saw him on stage and he was happier when he came down to sit with you. You’re part of his dream.”

In shock Jeongin gasps dramatically, grabbing Seungmin’s shoulder. “Oh gosh, you’re so romantic and  _ deep _ .”

Seungmin rolls his eyes and starts tickling Jeongin. “I just wanted to state my observations. But if it really bugs you, then talk to him again.” 

Jeongin keeps pondering over Seungmin's suggestion, not quite able to focus on work. It is so weird to see Chan’s favourite seat occupied by strangers Jeongin does not care about. He just wants Chan to sit here, write his music and ask for one single cup of coffee. 

After his shift he returns home, surprised that light shines through the window of his apartment. He goes up and finds Chan in the kitchen. Chan is scrolling through his phone, probably reading a recipe since he has already started to cook dinner, which is indicated by the pans, the cutting boards and the groceries on the counter.

Jeongin sneaks upon him and hugs him from behind, burying his face in his shoulder. “Hey,” he greets softly.

“Hi!” Chan turns around in his arms and pulls him into a hug. “I missed you.” He often says that when they greet each other, no matter how long they were separated. It is just a little gesture but it makes Jeongin’s day so much better. 

“I missed you too. How was the audition?” Jeongin asks immediately. 

“Oh yeah … about that …” Chan turns around. “Let me finish cooking and then we can talk about it.” 

Half an hour later they sit on the couch with filled plates. Chan has a huge appetite  — he can eat and eat  — but this time he is rather absent, staring into nowhere and basically ignoring the food. 

“So?” Jeongin asks, acrobatically twisting his noodles around his chopsticks.

“Yeah.” Chan glances at him and smiles. “It was good. They like me and offered me a contract.” 

Jeongin swallows the noodles and the lump in his throat. “But that’s good! A contract is good. Keeps you secure.”

“And away from you,” Chan answers.

Confusion lies in the air. 

“What?” 

Chan sighs, setting the plate on the table. “They interviewed me, of course, and I sort of told them that I try to make up to … my mistakes by finding a job.” He has already told Jeongin about it. Chan still feels guilty for what he has done to his parents and wants to gain a stable job to pay back in some way  — n ot only on a mundane material but also emotional level, which is a very vague statement, but Jeongin kind of guessed that he wants to return to Australia someday. 

Jeongin gulps and his bottom lip starts to tremble. 

“This entertainment has another office in Australia because they are represented internationally,” Chan continues, “And they said that I would fit perfectly. I could work as a performer, producer … whatever I want.”

Jeongin closes his eyes, trying to ignore the tugging on his heart strings and the way his chest wants to devour itself, his ears blaring. 

“It’s just so ironic that I left Australia because I thought that I couldn’t pursue my form of music there. But this entertainment wants to hold onto the Korean influence which is pretty … fitting.”

Jeongin opens his eyes. “Chan, that’s great.” He has to put his plate on the table or else his trembling would be too visible. 

“But I said no.”

Jeongin’s jaw drops. “You did what? Chan!” But it is Chan's dream. His life. His destiny. Music is Chan’s home and nobody should take that away from him. Especially not Chan himself  — it  just does not make sense. 

Chan smiles, crawling over the couch to snuggle himself into the hollow of Jeongin’s arms. “I knew that you would react like that. You’re too selfless.”

“What are you talking about?” Jeongin sits boneless on the couch, not able to move an inch of his body.

“I said no because I can’t leave you.”

Jeongin presses his lips to a thin line. “That’s really … I ... Chan ...” 

“You told me that you love me.” Chan looks up.

“I do.”

Chan’s eyes form to crescents. “Then tell me that you love me and it’s fine.”

Except that it isn’t. Chan cannot sleep and cannot stop hurting himself because of his difficult career as an independent musician, and the way he lies between Jeongin’s arms, wearing a t-shirt which reveals his scars and wounds, shows Jeongin that they cannot act like this forever. Chan still cuts his arms and legs, relying on Jeongin’s silence. But it is enough.

“Nothing’s fine. You  _ need  _ music,” Jeongin mutters.

Chan sighs, curling up against him. “I do. But I also need you. I don’t want to fight alone anymore. I’m tired, Jeongin.” 

Jeongin cannot prevent his tears from forming in his eyes, and then they just escape and run like tiny pearls down his skin. It is the first time Chan sees him crying. Immediately he sits up and reaches out for Jeongin’s face. “Don’t cry,” he says, shocked, “I’m sorry! I didn’t want to make you upset.”

“I’m upset because you are.”

“But I’m not!” 

They keep staring at each other. 

“The reason why you’ve been through so much is music. Don’t give up on that.”

“I’m not giving up on music but I can’t have it all. I can't leave this country and stay in our relationship. The distance would  _ kill _ me.” Chan wipes Jeongin's tears away. “I thought that I could be a music teacher. You always talk about your work with kids and honestly … it doesn’t sound bad.”

“And your family?”

“I’ll visit them as soon as I’ve established a real income,” Chan says. 

Jeongin shakes his head. “I can’t let you do that.”

“Why?” Chan says a bit defeated, “I thought that you wanted me.”

“I do, but more than that I want you to be happy.” This opportunity sounds like everything Chan could have wished for. And he just neglected it. The amount of boldness he probably needed to turn down such an offer is  _ unbelievable _ .

“I don’t want you to cut yourself. I don’t want you toss and turn in your bed at night because of panic attacks. I don’t want to see you like that anymore,” Jeongin says.

Chan's hand fall off his face. “So you rather would not see me at all?” 

Jeongin is too shocked to reply. He feels like standing on a minefield  — t here is no right answer. 

“I knew it.” Chan stands up and goes around the couch. “I knew that you would get tired of my bullshit.”

_ What? _

“That’s  _ not _ what I said.” Jeongin turns around, seeing Chan grabbing his jacket and shoes. “Chan.”

“No. I’ve heard that before.  _ ‘Oh, all I want you is to be happy’.”  _ Chan growls. “Got depression?  _ Be happy! _ What a great solution.” He puts on his jacket and grabs his beanie. “And they always,  _ always  _ say that it would be better for  _ me  _ to just leave. Although it’s about them. Because they overestimated themselves. Because they thought they could deal with me, but in the end they stay in their cozy, easy lives.” 

Chan really despises crying in front of others, but with Jeongin it is usually okay. However, this time he tries to hold back, so the sounds of grief rip through his throat and make him long desperately for air. His hands shake uncontrollably as he ties his shoes.

“Please stay.” Jeongin stands up and walks over. 

“You just said something else. You want me to leave the whole ass country. I hate this.” Chan opens the door. “I hate how you’re just like the others before.”

And then he leaves.

Jeongin would love, no, would  _ die _ in order to stop him, but how can he do something against his love’s will? No matter how much his heart screams for it: He has no right to just follow and force Chan to come back. Chan is like a cloud after all. You do not control the weather. 

It controls you.   



	6. Ready

Jeongin does not see Chan for a whole week. Not at home, not at the cafe, not even at the club he visits on Saturday night, hoping that he would find him. 

He feels absolutely disgusting, horrible, like the worst person on earth. He always thought that he could protect and love Chan like nobody else, and yet he is _just like the others._ He knows that Chan has insecurities and is afraid to bond, so why did he try to push him away? Exactly. Because he thought that he knew what was good and right for Chan without even asking him. Honestly, he cannot believe his own stupidity. 

It is hard to manage his daily routine, knowing that Chan stumbles through the outer world like a lonely wolf. Now he kind of gets how Chan feels all the time because suddenly everything seems surreal and without any purpose. 

He has a throwback to that moment two years ago when his girlfriend left him for someone else, not too long after their first time sex. The whole “I kinda lost a part of myself”-issue has been fading throughout the time of healing. But this time Jeongin cannot be sure whether he could heal from the pain of hurting Chan this way. Everybody would say “Oh, you'll get over it. You’re so young!”. And sure, he is. But he is also incredibly, hopelessly, absolutely in love. That kind of love he has never experienced before. 

His friends are worried since he rarely interacts with them, already knowing about Chan’s absence. First, Jeongin assumed that he was back at Changbin’s house, but Changbin told him that he does not know about Chan's whereabouts either. Chan does not pick up calls or responds to text messages. It is like he has never existed. 

But the next week there is some evidence that Chan is not a figment of delusions after all (although Jeongin doubted it from time to time). In fact, he still comes back to their flat since his room always looks a bit different whenever Jeongin returns home. His electrical guitar is still here but he has taken the acoustic one and his launchpad. He knows Jeongin’s working schedule by heart, therefore, it is no problem for him to avoid him. 

Chan has left nearly all of his money here, so he must be with someone he knows. It is inevitable that Jeongin feels the jealousy boiling hot inside of him, but this fight is his fault, so he tries to get a grip of himself.

It is Friday night when Jeongin crumbles apart. He stands on his little balcony and looks up to the sky. It is horrible how everything reminds him of Chan, who adores the galaxy and the stars. There is so much extra information about the universe in his head and Jeongin could listen to him all day. 

Normally Jeongin would try to fill his time of sadness by distracting himself, but he is too focused on standing all alone on the balcony, just _missing_ Chan, not capable of doing something else while drowning in guilt.

Jeongin buries his face in his hands and breathes aloud, trying to collect his thoughts to regain a bit control back of his messy head. After a while he heads back inside towards Chan’s room. 

It seems like Chan has just busted in here and pulled some clothes out of his closet, only to select a few in the end, leaving the rest on the floor (maybe some of them are already used).

Jeongin kneels down and starts picking them up. He cleans the room until he finds the black hoodie Chan wears the most. It is extremely baggy and Chan sinks in every time he wears it. Jeongin bites his lower lip and presses his face into the fabric, which radiates the familiar soft scent of his lover. 

Perhaps Jeongin is not a circle after all. He really is into that half-person-philosophy-bullshit. But only for Chan. He breathes in the scent he misses so much, shaking uncontrollably. In the end he sits down and cries into the hoodie as if someone died in it. 

After this short outlet he continues tidying the room, but stops as he discovers some papers. He frowns and leans down to pick them up. 

A contract.

Jeongin blinks and turns around the pages until he realizes that they are written in English. He reads the headline which says _Muse Ent. in Sydney, Australia._ Chan has started to fill out the papers but stopped halfway without even having touched the signature box.

Jeongin’s heart sinks. Chan probably approached the entertainment again to receive a second chance, but the fact that his belongings are still here shows that there is something which holds him back. Jeongin stares at the contract and tenses as his thoughts keep spinning. 

"Alright, that's it," he mumbles, folding the contract to stuff it into his hoodie. 

* * *

The next two weeks consist of a lot of talking, not with Chan but Jeongin's friends, his family, his boss and his co-workers. It is stressful and there is a lot of planning, freaking out, searching for new solutions, freaking out again, planning, freaking out again, planning, crying, lying in bed until 5 am.

But during this time Jeongin finally feels something different from sadness. He feels hope and the desire to make up to his mistakes. That is why he spends a ridiculous amount of time researching about the Muse company, different offers, different possibilities. He is probably going crazy over it, but it is still better than to sit in the corner and cry all day. 

And then the work is done, with him at his very limits. He sits on the couch on a Sunday afternoon, because he will not go anywhere today. Usually he would need to work his shift in the cafe but he does not have the strength to move out of his flat anymore, too many things ghost around in his head, and he keeps asking himself, _Why are you making your life so damn complicated?”_

Well, easy is boring. 

Nevertheless, Jeongin fears that his efforts will lead to nothing. After all, he has not seen Chan for weeks. 

It is a throwback to his fear at the beginning phase of their blooming relationship. The kind of fear of not seeing Chan again eats him away, however, in the end he has to accept that he does not own him. He can hope and beg Chan to come back but never force him. 

Suddenly he hears how the key is turned around in the lock of the front door. He jumps up, attempting to hide before realizing that this would be absolutely ridiculous. So he just freezes and stands awkwardly on the spot.

The door opens. 

Dark boots, dark clothes and a dark jacket. The regular pattern of dark clothes is interrupted by a light shade of pink. Chan brushes through his dyed curls, entering the flat. “I thought that you were at work.” He ignores Jeongin's weird pose and walks into his own room. The sound of rummaging resonates through the corridor.

Finally Jeongin can move again and walks over to Chan’s room. Chan grubs in his clothes and pushes some of them into his backpack. He has a lollipop between his lips and sucks on it aggressively as if he were frustrated about not finding something specific.

Jeongin turns away and opens the drawer of the commode in the corridor. “Are you looking for this?” He holds out the thin stack of papers.

Chan looks up and growls, weirdly cold and angry -- not like himself at all. It is frightening and painful to see him like this. “You stole it.”

“No, you dropped it.” Jeongin hands out the contract. 

Chan grabs it roughly and looks at it. The lollipop nearly falls out of his mouth. “Why did you fill it out?”

“Because you didn’t.” 

Chan squeezes his eyes together. “Fuck you,” he snaps, brushung past Jeongin and about to leave again.

“Where are you going?” 

“To a friend.”

“A friend? What friend?” 

Chan looks over his shoulder. “His name’s Brian and he’s my ex.” With a _Plop_ he pulls out the red candy. “Happy?”

“No.” 

“You miss me, don’t you?” 

Jeongin is not able to answer, too overwhelmed by the strange image in front of him. 

“Are you jealous?”

He is.

“But you should know that I’m not the type to sleep around.”

“I know.” Jeongin clears his throat. “I just wanted … to say that … you can go to Australia and …”

“Yeah, you were _very_ clear about that suggestion before.” Chan opens the door. 

Jeongin is not good with words so he just drops the bomb. “And I want to go with you.”

Chan stops. 

Jeongin tries to take advantage of the sudden boost of confidence, stepping forward. “I want to go with you and watch you pursue your career.” 

Chan looks sideways to the ground, wrinkling his nose. “That’s crazy. You’re all talk,” he mumbles. 

Jeongin grits his teeth. “No, I’m not. I applied for jobs in Sydney and searched for a flat there, and I also let the others know about my plans. I told them that I would leave. That _we_ would leave.”

Chan remains silent.

“I’m being serious. I filled the contract because I want you to accept the offer. And I want you to take me with you.” 

Slowly Chan steps back and closes the door. Then he turns around, his gaze softer. “You would leave your home for me?”

Jeongin clenches his fists. “No. Because _you_ are my home.” 

They stand there in silence. 

“You can’t just give up everything,” Chan huffs, “Your life is comfortable and happy! You have a job, you have a goal, you’re stable, your family doesn’t hate you. Don’t throw that away for a piece of shit like me!” Near the end he starts yelling and throws his backpack against Jeongin. 

“I don’t want that life! I want you!” 

“You said-”

“What I said was a lie!” The veins on Jeongin’s neck start to pop as his anger creeps his way out of his body. “I thought that I could act like this great, selfless boyfriend but I'm not like this! I'm egoistic and I want to stay with you! Fuck my life and everything, who the hell cares?” 

Chan suppresses a sob, facing him with a furious gaze. Aggressively he stamps towards him and slams his lips against Jeongin's. Without even hesitating Jeongin returns the brutal kiss and pulls Chan against him, his lip even starting to bleed, the metal taste spreading between their mouths. Neither of them cares. 

Jeongin pushes his tongue inside of the wet warmth, devouring Chan, swallowing every noise of complaint. His hands run over Chan’s back and then grips it tightly until Chan hisses. “Why the fuck did you go to your ex? I thought we’re all the same.”

“I had nobody else,” Chan answers and grabs Jeongin’s waist, “And I’m still allowed to have other friends.”

Of course he is. But Jeongin has the feeling that Chan just knows that it makes him angry. He does not waste too much time, opening Chan’s jacket before almost ripping the shirt off his body.

“It’s been only a couple of weeks and you’re greedy already,” Chan gasps, grabbing Jeongin’s neck to kiss him again. It is ironic how he wants to mock him, although he basically whimpers into Jeongin’s mouth, yearning for more and more. His tongue develops its own mind as he tries to overpower Jeongin with his boiled anger, but he is distracted as soon as his nipples are squeezed. 

“I hate it when you’re being bratty,” Jeongin grumbles. He is used to the soft, smiley, bubbly side of Chan, but this is just proof that he has so much more facets, and Jeongin wants to own every single one of them.

His hand slips between Chan’s thighs and presses down on the forming bulge in Chan’s black pants. Chan groans and digs his fingernails into Jeongin’s back. They do not actually want to hurt each other yet they keep scratching and biting, because all their emotions have gone up and down during the weeks of separation, and now they cannot stop raving at each other. They want more contact than physically possible, so they only fuel each other’s anger by becoming rougher with every passing minute. It is very different from the times they had sex before, still, it feels good, it feels right, it feels so addicting. 

Jeongin presses their hips against each other and grinds against Chan.

“You’re so slow,” Chan hisses and bites down onto Jeongin’s neck. The next moment he is basically slammed against the wall. 

Jeongin cages him in, his eyes as dark as espresso. “I should just fuck you right here, so you shut up.”

Obviously Chan shivers at those words, but is still able to maintain his angry and frustrated face. Jeongin unbuckles the belt around Chan’s pale hips and pushes his pants with his underwear down. He looks up again to examine Chan’s face, and he has to admit that these pink curls look fucking adorable (he is so weak for pink), but he has not the time to admire Chan’s beauty. The pulsing inside of his own pants becomes unbearable, so he turns Chan around and huddles him against the wall, not putting any effort into foreplay and sucking his fingers to press one against Chan’s entrance. He spits against the rim to make the glide easier and notices that Chan wants to suck him in greadily.

“You said you didn’t fuck around.”

“There is something called fingering yourself, you know?” Chan spits and holds back a moan as Jeongin tries to push into him. Although Chan is already a bit loose, Jeongin can only push his fingertip inside, so he stands up and grabs his wallet from the chest of drawers in the corridor, knowing that he still has some packages lube in it. 

While he is rummaging in his wallet, he side-eyes Chan, catching him turning around. “Stay still,” he demands, and surprisingly Chan listens, rocking back and forth impatiently, but staying rooted on the spot. 

Jeongin kneels down again, coating his fingers with lube before prepping Chan, who pushes his hips back, asking for more only to be caught off guard as soon as he is stuffed by Jeongin’s hand. Still, he wiggles his hips in impatience. “Hurry.”

“I want you to cry, but not from pain.” There is something sincere and worried in Jeongin’s tone, however, the tension remains thick.

Chan keeps pushing his buttons. “The only reason to cry is because you obviously suck at this.” He does not mean it. He really does not, but words flood over his lips like a waterfall. He adores the way Jeongin works him open in his used pattern (although it is a bit more rushed than usual). Jeongin knows his body better than anybody else, maybe even better than Chan because there is no way that he can ever satisfy himself the way Jeongin does it.

Jeongin pulls back and stands up again. There is something obscene and primitive about the way he zips open his pants only to get his dick out. The impatience bites through his whole body, him just desiring to be connected with Chan again, to claim him as his and only his. He holds his tip against Chan’s awaiting hole and puts the palm of his hand next to Chan's head. With a stuttering pace he pushes in until he presses Chan against the wall.

Chan starts whining which in turn causes Jeongin to grin. It is still so easy to break him apart if Jeongin genuinely wants to. He holds onto Chan’s waist and starts moving, stepping closer and pushing his chest against Chan’s back. Ultimately he leans down to suck several hickeys on Chan’s pale neck. 

Chan nearly mewls at the contrasting sensation; Jeongin against his back, hot like fire, and the wall against the front of his body, icy like water. The fusion of both feelings runs down a shiver along his spine like an electrical wave. The sounds which escape him are needier, more desperate than ever. He believes that his voice might just reach two octaves higher than usual and it only gets better (or worse) with every harsher thrust against the wall since it causes friction against his dick and chest.

"You're so tight, all for me," Jeongin growls directly into his ear. 

Chan is not capable of answering, scratching the wall. His hips twitch and try to move with the rhythm but Jeongin's movements are unpredictable because Jeongin varies a lot more in speed than usual.

It does not take long for both of them to come. Chan hides his face between the backside of both hands to muffle a loud, desperate moan while Jeongin tries to keep down the volume by biting down into Chan’s shoulder. 

Surprisingly, their anger has not died down a tad, and Jeongin cannot stop marking Chan up, leaving a chain of intertwined hickeys along Chan’s neck. “Don’t think that we’ll just leave it there,” he murmurs into Chan’s ear.

The next hour he spends with just driving Chan insane, fucking him bent over the backside of the couch, on the table and then against the window of the balcony. He feels like he could just draw a line of their scent along the flat to make sure they stay bonded. With every second passing he believes that Chan is integrated into his life more and more again. 

Chan knocks his hand against the cold glass and pants, fogging the window with his breath. He cries out as Jeongin pushes in even harder, the sweat making it difficult for him to hold on to the smooth panel, so Jeongin needs to hold him steady. 

“You just want to show the whole world that you belong to me, right? Do you have a thing for being watched? Is that it?” Jeongin grunts and wraps one arm around Chan’s waist, thrusting even deeper inside to reach for his sweet spot. He knows precisely how to angle his hips in order to brush Chan’s prostate enough to satisfy him without straight up abusing it. It drags out the moment of being connected longer, and both of them want it exactly that way. 

“I said I won’t leave you,” Jeongin whispers, “So you gotta stick around me too, got it?”

Chan cannot answer, whining at the sensation of Jeongin’s hips hitting his butt, his nipples red, hard and pressed against the cold window, the way they are rubbed against the transparent surface adding to the stimulation. His mind only consists of the pounding inside of his ass and how good the rough speed is. It feels like his frustration could be easily knocked out of his body. Since it is becoming dark outside the lights inside their flat reflect on the window in a way which transforms it to a mirror. Chan tries to avoid the reflection of his own aroused face and searches for a steady hold.

“Don’t look away. No need to hide.”

Chan looks back, both of his eyebrows raised with a frown. He bites his lower lip and gives a muffled moan. Jeongin leans forward and smothers his sounds by kissing him, a lot softer than before but still robbing air from Chan. Then he grabs his curls to guide his head back, forcing Chan to look at himself, to admire his beauty, to see how right it looks that he is only fucked by Jeongin.

Chan chokes out a whimper, sinking down until both of them are on their knees. His body has no strength left and he slumps against the window. Jeongin loops both of his arms around him and pulls him back onto his pulsing dick, simultaneously pushing inside, savouring every helpless noise. His hands cover Chan’s chest before kneading his pecs, his stare fixed on the window as he can see that Chan rolls his eyes back in pleasure. 

Jeongin comes first with stuttering thrusts, biting into Chan’s shoulder and rolling his hips inside of him, murmuring several curses. Then he jerks Chan off to drive him to his orgasm as well.

Heavy panting lingers in the room as both of them try to come down from their intense high. Chan drops the back of his head on Jeongin’s shoulder and looks at the ceiling. He grabs Jeongin’s hand on his chest and locks their fingers, nuzzling his nose against Jeongin’s sweaty neck, sighing. “I’ll stay.” 

“Hm?” Jeongin feels like he was packed up in cotton wool so he did not quite catch what Chan said. 

“I said that I’d stay.” Chan whines as he tries to lift himself up. 

Jeongin does not let go yet. It is warm and reassuring to stay inside, to stay connected like that. He scoots a bit back with Chan on his lap to lean against the couch. 

“I’m so sorry for running away like a coward,” Chan whispers. 

“I’m sorry for being an insensitive asshole,” Jeongin mutters.

“No, you were right.”

“But you were also right.”

Chan smiles and kisses along Jeongin’s jaw. “No, I wasn’t right about comparing you to others. You’re not like them. Not at all.” He gulps. “Nobody has ever made an effort to-”

“Shh.” Jeongin immures his face in the crook of Chan’s neck, just wanting to enjoy the moment.

After washing themselves and tidying the flat they lie in bed, kissing lazily their worries and thoughts away. Jeongin’s mouth brushes along the front side of Chan’s neck tickling his Adam’s apple. Chan giggles and grabs Jeongin’s hair.

“Why pink?” Jeongin asks softly.

Chan runs his fingers through Jeongin’s hair strands, humming. “Because it’s your favourite colour.”

Jeongin looks up. “I thought you were angry at me.”

“I was. But I also couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

Jeongin huffs and smirks. “You’re the cutest, do you know that?”

“Uh … oh, hm. Now I do. Thanks.” Chan blushes, putting his hand under Jeongin’s strong chin to lift it up. “We don’t have to go to Australia,” he mumbles, “I’m really fine with staying here and becoming a teacher.”

“I know. There isn’t a perfect path to be successful in life.” Jeongin pulls Chan closer and kisses over his shoulder. “But tell me: Do you want to take that offer? Just imagine that it wouldn’t have any consequences.” 

Chan stays silent, probably thinking about it. “I really do want to take that opportunity,” he admits, closing his arms around Jeongin’s torso. 

“Okay. Then let’s do it.”

* * *

The sparkling wine basically beams under the light when Jisung lifts his glass up. “To my best friend, his glorious partner and their new path in life,” he announces and winks at Jeongin, who just rolls his eyes in amusement, “Cheers!” 

“Cheers!” 

The clinking of glasses resonates in the empty cafe. It is after closing time but Jamie has allowed them to stay longer for a little party. Additionally, Felix wanted to try new recipes for delicious sweets, so it is the perfect opportunity for them to evaluate the new flavours Felix has created.

Chan is practically glued on Jeongin and keeps rubbing his cheek against his chest. He has never seemed that even-tempered, that calm, that _happy._ Not one bit is forced. Jeongin ruffles his pink locks and kisses his forehead. 

“I can’t believe that you guys are about to leave in just two weeks,” Hyunjin sighs, “It will be so different without you.” 

In a fairly short amount of time all of them have gotten closer and it pains Jeongin to leave his childhood friends back, but he does believe that they will see each other once again. Maybe in two years, maybe in five years, maybe in one decade. However, his life has just begun and he wants to see so much more than just that little box he has been living in so far. 

His family is actually very supportive. His parents have always been a bit worried that Jeongin has settled his plans so fast with such an easy and stable way. To see how he wants to escape his daily life and risk something makes them happy too.

“We’ll try to stay in contact,” Jeongin says, “And even if it doesn’t work, we’ll return back to Korea someday.”

“Really?” Jisung asks hopefully.

Jeongin nods. “Yeah, we already talked about it.”

“And then I can teach kids here about music.” Chan grins, sneaking his arms around Jeongin, who smiles.

“I want coffee,” Hyunjin states.

“Yes! I want some good coffee from you too,” Felix agrees. 

Jeongin stands up and goes behind the counter to get to work. He is still unsure whether he will find a good cafe where he can create his art like he can do here. Probably not. But at least he is pretty much qualified for any shop since he has learned a lot as a barista. 

He looks to the side when he hears the familiar sound of keys being pressed. Chan sits at the piano, playing some of his pieces. It is like he wants to say this piano goodbye and thank you for being a little part of his music journey. Jeongin smiles at the sight in front of him and sprays up cream like he always does. His friends come forward to the counter and help themselves. 

“Minho should be here soon,” Felix mumbles, staring at the watch.

In match the perfect timing somebody knocks at the door. Jeongin takes the keys and opens for the newcomer. “So you decided to show up too?” he mocks and guides Minho to the rest of the group.

Felix jumps into Minho’s arms and kisses him on the cheek. Two weeks ago they decided to label their relationship officially, and now they do not miss any opportunity to display affection. 

They spend the night with a lot of talking, bickering and actually a bit of dancing. Chan keeps playing the piano to accompany them through the night. 

They also try to spend as much time as possible the next two weeks but meeting six people at the same time is not easy at all. Besides, Chan and Jeongin are fully busy with preparing their move, packing up all their belongings in boxes and signing several papers. 

Additionally, Jeongin has been practicing his English for the last two months and needs to focus more on it, although his skills have never been particularly bad since Felix comes from Australia too. Furthermore, his other friends are above average in this language as well. But since Chan and Jeongin have been trying to speak exclusively English at home he has gotten better at it a lot faster. It is not only to his advantage because Chan claims himself as a “bit rusty”, especially regarding his grammar. However, Jeongin really likes the way Chan expresses himself in his mother tongue but he got a bit grumpy when Chan said that Jeongin sounded “so cute” in English. 

Jeongin promises to himself that one day he will speak English just as well as Chan can speak Korean. Chan does make tiny, tiny grammatical mistakes in Korean but aside from that he sounds like a pure native with the sounds and the proverbs he uses effortlessly in his daily life, so Jeongin hopes to achieve the same level in English - one day.

“Isn’t it kinda cool?” 

Chan looks up from his laptop with a questioning look on his face. 

Jeongin smiles. “You’ll be the one with the stable income and I have to look for jobs to bring some money home.”

A bit uncomfortable, Chan shifts on the sofa. “Doesn't that make you anxious?”

Jeongin shakes his head. “Why should it? I have you.” 

The weeks pass by so fast that it is kind of scary. They try to tick off their to-do-list by visiting their favourite places in Seoul one last time. In the end they have not fulfilled all of their plans but they are still satisfied with what they can take with them. 

On day x their friends accompany them to the airport. The flight is delayed for the next two hours, but nobody of them cares. Everyone keeps acting normally until Chan and Jeongin actually have to cross the entrance to reach the last corridors. Normally Jeongin is not the type to cuddle everyone but this time he cannot suppress the urge to squeeze his school friends to death.

“I’ve never expected that the 00-line would get separated like this,” Felix sighs, “I’ll miss you.”

“Visit us some time!” Hyunjin says, holding back his tears.

In the meantime Jisung cries one small lake’s worth and Jeongin feels _so_ bad for leaving. He does not want to be away from his best friend, who has gone with him through the shit of his teenage life and young adulthood, but he does not want to ever leave Chan again because- well, he cannot capture the cloud, so he has to follow it. 

“It’s not the end of the world,” Jeongin reassures him, “And I’m sure that someone will take good care of you as your companion.” He looks over his shoulder to glance at Changbin and wink at him.

“Love, we have to go,” Chan says softly. 

Jeongin hugs Jisung one last time and waves goodbye to his friends. He takes Chan’s hand into his and follows the corridor.

“Have you ever taken the plane for so long?” Chan questions as they sit down.

“Nope. But my stomach’s pretty stable so it’ll be fine.” Jeongin leans into the seat and looks out of the window. 

After the plane has left the ground Chan leans against him. “You still don’t regret anything?”

Jeongin shakes his head. “I know that it’ll work out.” 

Chan closes his eyes and is embraced in the warmth of Jeongin’s arms. “Do you really have that much faith in me?”

“I have faith in us,” Jeongin whispers as he sees that Chan has already fallen asleep. That is the first time he witnesses a tight, peaceful rest on Chan’s face. It is like the plane was swaying him into the land of dreams. Dreams which would come true. 

* * *

The weather in Australia is amazing, no clouds to be seen in the endless sky and the sun smiling from above. 

Chan and Jeongin stop in front of a big, white house, Chan sighing and Jeongin’s jaw dropping on the floor. Hell, he has been aware of the fact that Chan’s parents have money, but he did not expect a whole ass _villa_. He notices that his hands are pretty sweaty and he feels the urge to just run away immediately, but he forces his feet to stay still. “Are you ready?” he asks and turns his head to look at Chan.

Tears pile up in Chan’s eyes as he looks at the house with a fond smile - a smile full of memories and hope. Since it is warm he wears a t-shirt, his scars visible on his arms. The wounds have left big traces but it is obvious that they have been healing for a while in peace. Chan takes Jeongin’s hand.

“Whenever you are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, you made it! I am very proud of you and me, hehe.
> 
> A shout-out to Gryff, who helped me to fill the plot holes at the beginning.  
> And also big thankies to my author-friend Rini for proof reading and supporting me during the tedious process of writing and editing and writing and editing and- yeah, you get it c: (ah, yeah, she is [minchanted on ao3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/minchanted/pseuds/minchanted))
> 
> Last but not least thank YOU for staying until the end. It was a pleasure to have you here and I hope that this was not our last encounter.


End file.
